Am i being selfish ?

I don't know what else to think for nd about anymore .. the more i think the best for you .. the more you hated me .. the more you said i have change .. maybe you didn't realize about it .. or maybe you did .. I don't know .. but i do .. i realized that both of us have been too dependent of each other .. to the extend that we doesn't want to be far apart from each other.. even after graduated .. i understand that ..

but sometime .. i felt that you don't understand bout some little things .. that i felt you think too much .. you are not the only one that has been thinking of our future .. me too .. the differences is i think  more of other factors than only tow of us .. 

yes, i couldn't decide where to go after i graduated .. but is that a matter ? All i wanted is you can decide where you want go .. you know .. for me .. you keep saying about our future but what about your own ? If you cant decide on your own future and make a clear stand on it, how can you be sure that our future is what we planned or what you planned of ? If you cant secure your own future, how you going to secure ours ?  Don't you get it? 

Yes, i might not be in Malaysia after i graduated .. but that's just a maybe.. i have my promises to my parents .. to my mum that i will go for a tryout in Singapore .. We both have our own responsibilities to our family and i bet you know that .. Is not that all the time we have to think bout our future - you and me .. but sometimes we have to think of our family too .. i know my parents will support my decision .. 

Every time , when you asked where i will be working after i graduated , sometimes i felt so bad and sometimes it really pissed me off . I would ask myself, why wouldn't you think for yourself more? about your future first .. why wouldn't you have the trust and faith in our relationship ? You know, it hurts deep down when i realize that thou you said that your love me so much .. but somehow, i felt that you don't trust and have faith in us .. in me .. Maybe i am not a good partner for you .. maybe whatever i think of, you will be sad n angered ..

You said that i have forgotten bout the Christmas plan in Genting .. i have not .. honestly to say, i really wanted to celebrated Christmas with you in a special way .. in Genting .. with all the countdown and the fireworks .. but have you thought of the reasons why i said i don't want to go ? Have any other factors that crosses your mind ? Yes, maybe the reason would be you never been to Genting on holiday season.. but every time for me to bring up this , you will get frustrated and walk off the topic .. i hate it ~

Sometimes, your decision really pissed me off .. yes.. i also wanted to have special celebrations with you .. but you know .. is not like i want it and i can have it .. no is not .. we need to think about other factors before we can decide on stuff .. i know you .. all you wanted is just the moment with me .. both of us together .. but seriously, sometimes not all the things we wanted to do and wish for can be done .. I also have a lot of planning and want list in mind .. but i know .. i have to let them go sometimes cause of other things that come in between .. that's the differences in our thinking .. you know, it really hurts a lot when i found out that you misunderstood me .. it makes me felt that you don't understand me ..

I might have change if to compare the me from the beginning of our relationship.. but you aren't that far from me .. as days pass by .. i felt that we are losing the touch of communication in us .. last time, we talked almost everything .. from why are you moody, why i m grumpy ,, how was our days .. it was all gone .. you know what get me in frustration .. is you .. i m starting to get upset and angry whenever there is something in your heart and you just say NOTHING . i hate it .. You starting to keep everything to yourself.. Is this the step to the future of ours ?  What am i to you ? Where have all our heart to heart conversation gone to? I might not be a good listener and adviser , all i want is you speak out and i will be there for you ..

All this making me feel hopeless in our relationship .. i might understand you in some way but not always .. you need to tell me and voiced it out .. trust me .. if this continues .. sooner or later .. we are going to have a big arguments .. and that time nobody knows what is going to happen .. If for you, keeping all your emotions within yourself, the future of ours will be getting dimmer .. no relationship can last long if there is no faith, trust and communication even though there is a bond of strong love between us .. you know that well .. 

I really wish some things will be like the beginning of our relationship .. i really hate going back home with all these stupid feelings in me ..

Amitié ..

Is it just me ? that i felt something that shouldn't be ..

Everything seems different from last time .. felt being like a doll .. is it just me ? 

won't you understand ? a person for me to voice out myself to .. cause you are one of the person that i can go to and express myself .. but all i wanted is you t hear .. yes sometimes i needed your advice .. but sometimes .. wont you think that your words is a little too harsh that it might hurt my feeling ?

sometimes .. i felt that .. u r there for me when i needed someone to talk to .. but sometimes .. i felt that expressing my thoughts to you makes me felt so useless and being nuisance from what you replied to our conversation ..

sometimes .. i really wish you would understand and just lend me your ears .. and not advising me back with answer that your don't even know that it will hurt me ... 

maybe it's the differences of thoughts and opinion that we have .. i don't blame you for that .. blamed myself .. 

don't have to worry much .. just expressing myself .. nothing much of offense and feelings .. hope don't mind ..

gosh .. PP and Lin Wey .. i really miss you both badly .. thou i know that we aren't as close as we used to be anymore .. but .. our friendship is the one i cherish the most ..

Bad mood ..

I am so tired lately .. so stress ..

and today ..

i am so not in the mood ..

i don't know why .. maybe i am too tired ..

maybe i am stress out ..

Yes .. i admit i m stress .. just i don't show it out ..

I wanted to cry now so badly .. i feel like breaking down .. cried my heart out .. 

Hope it can make me feel better ..

but i cant .. i must not break down .. baby will be sad .. and worst .. he will be getting frustrated more .. since he is too loaded and stress with his moral campaign and sort of things .. so i have to keep it ..

I will not break down .. i will be strong ..

Frustrated !

I don't understand what is the matter with you lately .. i wanted to know so badly .. u been sleeping a lot and yet you still so tired .. it's like you are not yourself at all at times .. i get worried bout that .. 

Felt so frustrated tonight .. hate going to bed with this mood .. hate it so much .. am i wrong or what ?

You are the one saying that you just want lye down on the bed and not sleeping .. a while later you just dozed off .. you said if anything wake you up .. supposed to wait for Navin call for yam cha .. yes is his fault to call so late for yam cha .. but you should have told him earlier that if is too late make it next time .. you don't have to wait for others to call you only then you respond and make a move .. 

I tried to woke you up .. you eventually did .. and also a kick from the knee on my head but you don't even care bout the pain and you slept back .. i felt so angry yet hurt that time .. went back to my assignment but i guess my mood just puff~ gone.. i woke you up the second time again and ask you to go back to room and sleep.. i tried to sleep too but the frustration in me just make me awake .. 

came out the room just to get my anger off writing blog.. you came out asking me don't want to sleep i said a while .. asking me am i angry at you was a silly question.. think it yourself .. you went back into the room with your temper .. a few minutes later you come back out throwing your keys and wallet to the table .. hate it when you do that .. again with your temper .. how could you do that ? throwing the wallet i gave to you just like that .. it hurts ... seeing your temper at me .. hurts double the pain ..

then you said let's go yam cha .. i just answered i don't want to go anymore .. i am tired .. it was earlier planned that i wanted to do my assignment and just let you have your boys night out .. you walked off with anger again ~ i just told you i wanted to go to sleep just because you are sleeping on the floor in the living room .. i felt bad seeing my Baby sleeping on the floor waiting for me .. 

But again .. you showed me your temper .. throwing the keys to the table again .. i hate it ~ i have my temper too .. but i did not show it .. i just keep myself shut .. don't want to have any arguments .. 

am i wrong to think for your own good ? i am so afraid that you will lost of friends with your this attitude and temper .. i just don't want to see my Baby without friends .. alone with no friends .. am i wrong to think this ?

i just really hate it tonight .. sleeping with a very bad mood .. hurt~

A wrapped up ...

It's 3.50am in the morning now .. yes .. i am still wide awake.. i know i should be doing my assignment right now or even studying for Moral mid term this Sunday.. but I m not doing anything as planned right now .. i just don't have the mood now .. 

Weeks have passed since the beginning of this short semester .. It's already week 5 now .. time really do flies when you don't realize about it .. A lot of things happened these past weeks .. 

Yup .. the saddest was i lost my beloved phone which i exchange with Dad.. It's not because i lost the phone, it was because of all those contacts in my phone n also all my pictures which reminds me of the time n memories i have with my friends and Baby .. i lost everything of that in just a few minutes .. I hated the person who took my phone away and not being a good guy and return it to me .. how i ever wish that one day he will lost his phone and he will never get it back .. hope it can be a good lesson for him to learn.. 

Well, 3 November is over .. I am 21 now .. i not so sure whether am i happy or not being 21 .. i am happy .. for my 21st birthday was being celebrated together with my Baby and all my friends, with a great surprises too .. the best .. i celebrated my 21st birthday with Baby too .. we both have a great time at our party .. thou we were both down by Navin and the rest for the so called 21 second which is actually a total of 25 second.. thanks to Bani for that.. Baby and I got hung over the next day .. we don't really recall how we get back home .. but all i know is .. i got a presentation the next day .. Great ~

Being 21.. is something that i always wanted to become when i was younger .. but as time passed and as i getting nearer to become a young adult .. i suddenly felt scare and reluctant to ..i  felt that i don't want to become 21 years old young adult .. as when i am 21 .. there is no more being a little girl for me .. there is no more being mischievous and i cannot being who i always am anymore .. the playful girl .. i do have and must start thinking more of  responsibilities and being matured .. i don't want to being so adult .. i just want to be myself ..

Now birthday party is over .. back to the study time .. as usual n as always .. short semester is always pack with tons of assignment datelines .. study is getting tougher and tougher each semester .. like this semester ,, i have no confident at all in Creative Strategy and also for Culture n Communication .. what am i gonna do ? Is not easy for me to pull up my CGPA last semester and i wouldn't want it to drop again .. two more weeks to the end of the semester .. then here come the study break and then final exam .. then it's time to greet the semester break .. which i don't really want to welcome that much .. 

I hate myself every time the thoughts of semester break is coming and after that beginning of the new semester next year January .. it makes me sad .. all the time .. because .. next semester .. will be Baby's last semester .. he will be graduating soon as i can count to .. i know i shouldn't be sad or thinking in such way .. i should be happy that Baby is graduating .. but i m just can't stop myself .. i hate it every time Baby mention bout his last semester and graduation .. i don't know what will i do when Baby is not around with me like now he always do .. i don't know whether can i be strong and hold myself up when Baby is not around me by my side all the time when i needed him .. i am not able to stand on my own and become independent .. i know if i cry or i sad .. Baby will feel bad .. he will be very sad to me in this way .. i shall not shed any tears and shall not let Baby worry bout me .. I will try my very best to stand on my own and be strong when Baby is not by my side.. 

Baby i promise u .. i will ..

A few more days ..

It's been so long since i updated my blog .. s usual .. well .. another semester is over .. time really flies ..  hope this time .. my results wont disappoint me  .. something i fear off ..

This semester break .. is not fun and enjoyable at all .. the distance is making me sad .. maybe because i m used to it .. used to that baby is always beside me .. and when he is not .. i felt alone .. thou he is always in my heart .. 

just that i miss him too much ..miss all the time i spend with Baby .. baby felt the same too .. guess both of us are too depend on each other ..

but at  same time .. we both agree .. that let this semester break be a test for our love .. to prove our love is strong ..

a few more days .. i ll b back to kampar .. hugging my baby .. together with him .. enjoying our time together with all our friends ..

a few more days .. and i just cant wait !

16 September 2010 ..

Been quite some time since i update my blog .. guess i m kinda used to it tat only updated my blogs with my emotions .. especially those i kept in heart ..

Now, i dun really have this keeping emotions in myself .. been talk things out to Baby .. guess this helps me a lot .. but yet .. there are still things that is unable to be mentioned out ..

Last nite .. i slept off earlier .. Baby said he wanted to study .. he tugged me to bed .. but i din really manage to doze off after some time .. been a while since i had difficulty in breathing .. had it last night .. din want to tell Baby cause don't want to disturb him studying .. guess i been disturbing baby from studying ..

how come i felt tat my existence in him is a burden for him .. i dunno what m i thinking now .. haiz ..

yes .. i m stressed out of exam .. i hate it .. i felt like crying out .. but every time i wanted to do so .. i had to stop myself .. i don't want to let Baby see i cry .. i hate myself for doing so .. i m so stressed !

26 August 2010 ..

I dunno what should i be feeling now .. all i know now .. i really wan2 go n cry out ..

I lost my beloved watch to the lake early this morning .. was fishing with Baby and Navin .. when i was throwing the bait into the lake .. my watch drop .. again it was the pin tat went loose .. 

i love tat watch dearly .. it was a gift from daddy .. a limited edition Harvard Polo watch .. although is not as expensive as Seiko or Tag .. but i still love tat watch ..

how could i ever tell daddy bout it ?

What should i do ..

I really dun understand baby .. i felt tat baby is keeping his feelings again from me ..

I know.. i shouldnt be thinking bout the past anymore .. but i just cant stop it .. the vengeance heart in me just cant let it go ... i hate the past of mine .. i hate the feeling of it .. i hate to hate others ..

i thought that telling everything from how i felt to baby is just being honest and open up myself to him .. guess i was wrong .. baby wont even tell me wat is he thinking ..

logically i know .. he must be angry or upset by now .. but i just wan him to know how i felt ..

baby .. i never suspect my won feelings .. i m very sure of my own feelings .. i know wat u thinking .. but to tell u this .. i m very sure who fills my heart and who i love dearly ..

is u Baby ..

i dunno what i should do now .. i felt that i wan2 close myself up from now on .. saying things out on how i felt and everything makes us unhappy and kept silent .. i hate it this way ..

Recovering ..

Been getting sick lately .. baby too .. just recovered from his one day fever not long ..after that .. i fall sick again ..

this is is worst .. i dunno why n how .. been eating well lately yet i still having gastric .. been so painful tat nite till i kept on running in n out the toilet due to tummy ache n vomit .. at first i thought it was food poisoning .. but not .. had fever ..and the next morning .. according to baby .. i fainted .. 

finally i have to go to the hospital .. get drip and worst .. got injections .. nt my day after all ...

i felt very very bad and very guilty these few days .. baby have to take care of me and no time for his studies and his stuff .. i felt so bad .. how i wish i m not weak in health .. 

baby having his mid term tmr .. yet still haven finish studying .. is all my fault .. i fall sick at the wrong time .. i really hated myself for this .. why i have burden my baby .. i hate myself for being so weak .. i felt so useless ..

baby i m sorry .. sorry for troubling baby and burdening baby to take care of me ..

baby .. thanks a lot for taking care of me when i m sick .. how i wish i could be a better gf for u .. 

love u a lot ..

幸福..

Is 3.11 am now .. n i m still awake ..

baby is still studying for his midterm later .. he looks so serious ..

felt so sleepy .. yet my stubbornness making myself to accompany baby ..

felt very sleepy .. that's why i m feeding myself food .. to keep me awake .. trying my best to keep myself awake by doing a lot of things .. hehe ..

i felt very lucky to have baby .. he show me what happiness is ..
辛福
..

 i enjoy accompanying baby .. hehe .. wanted to share every moment with him .. wanted to be with him every single second ..

 我很辛福...

What can i do ..

Again .. baby slammed his laptop .. knowing baby's temper is bad .. wat can i do ..

honestly speaking .. it scares me most of the time .. seeing baby so frustrated with his angry look on his face .. it's pretty scary ..

wonder wat can i do .. really wish i can do something .. haiz ..

Gloomy Sunday ..

Today just have this mood to listen to gloomy sunday .. thou i found a better version of it .. the best .. is in english ..

Gloomy Sunday - Sarah McLachlan

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy Sunday - Sarah McLachlan

Hmmm..

I felt useless .. i m doubting myself to become a good gf .. doubts tat makes me think n think n think .. thinking how to be a better gf tat i was never had ..

Today baby's mood doesnt seems rite .. especially now .. after back from basketball game or even b4 which i cant figure out .. 

i wonder wat is happenin to baby .. wat went wrong .. baby has been keeping himself closed .. how and wat can i do to make baby open up to me ..

felt so useless ..

27 June 2010 ..

Sry for the late update of bloggy .. been a while since i last updated .. went to langkawi recently with baby, anson and  chua .. din drink much .. but spend a lot ..

Watever it is .. tat is nt the main topic in here .. wat is memorable is the date 27 June 2010 .. where it had become our official date for me n baby .. thou the actual was supposed to be 6 June 2010 .. 

Under the honour of the sunset at the tanjung rhu beach .. is where he stands and propose .. how the sunset and the sea became our witness of the day we were officially together ..

A day which is a head start of everything in my life .. a new love which i appreciated .. which i learned to b more mature .. thanks baby for showing me tat .. tat i m not alone ..

Yet another day ..

Back to Kampar for almost 4 days d.. felt so happy when back here .. miss Baby n everything here .. the best thing .. i m so happy n satisfy with my bikini photo shooting .. so proud of myself .. hahah ..

These 2 days been busy and terribly packed with assignments n presentations .. felt so stress .. worst .. crisis management proposal have to redo .. too stress out .. really makes me in tears .. 

but today .. theories presentation n assignment was awesome .. so happy for it .. but sadly .. my day ended up sucks !! my bicycle was clamped.. for some stupid reasons .. so pathetically idiotically useless management .. arg ...

back to home .. slp .. waking up in a not so good mood .. dunno why .. but this morning .. i dunno why been having terrible difficulty in breathing .. for twice .. weird .. haven been havin it for like ages ago .. 

haven been feeling pretty much well too for these 2 days .. dunno why .. just feeling very very tired thou i been having my rest .. felt like whole body is not rite .. 

Anyway .. our langkawi trip is on .. just cant wait for friday .. when i m goin to langkawi wit baby, chua, anson, luke, and whoever .. just cant wait !! this is goin to be the 1st vacation for me n baby ..

just cant wait to get my chocolates.. perfumes.. n my bacardi apple .. might get a camera there too ..

but most important ..is the beach and also our 1st vacation .. hope tmr will be a better day ..

3 Days ..

Sitting at old town cafe now .. doin my assignment .. resting .. having some fries .. my sis reaeding her mag .. so freaking hot here ..

spend a lot 2day .. bought a bikini .. finally i found the one i like !! tmr is the photoshooting d .. bought a sunglasses too .. haha .. cant wait for tmr ..

kinda sad .. i gt fatter .. tummy nt nice d .. haiz .. but is ok .. i gt a week to langkawi ..hope by then ptptn already here for me .. hahaha .. i wan my perfume .. dkny blossom .. my chocs .. my bacardi apple .. hahah .. just cant wait .. not only tis .. i m goin with all my frens .. n baby too .. hehe .. IS GOIN TO B CRAZILY FUN !!

back to penang yesterday .. baby went back visit grandma .. haha .. only 3 days .. both of us goin crazy ..
i just realize .. how badly i miss him .. haha .. is ok .. another 2 more days .. hehe .. baby i m home ! to ur hug .. hehe ..

yes .. i m crazily in love !!

A whole new beginning ..

It's been a while since i last update my bloggy .. been thru terrible days .. and also .. been thru happy days ..

Gone on the past .. let bygone be bygones .. I had my days .. days of tears n crying .. days where the heart hurts..

Everything has change .. change into something better .. something tat makes me forget bout the sad n crying days.. something tat makes me smile n laugh every single day ..

Yes .. i have fall in love again .. to a guy .. who is so coincidentally .. his bday is just a day after mine .. we have so much in common .. and the best part .. he is someone who will always there for me anytime .. company me to campus in the morning even thought his class is in the afternoon .. make me smile n laugh every single days ..

Yes.. he shows me love .. he make me fall in love again  .. he makes me feel tat i m not a nobody .. tat i m a somebody to him .. he make me feels back the feeling of missing someone so badly tat wanted to be b him every single second .. he shows me wat love is again ..

I m very happy with him .. for sure .. he aint the rebound .. for sure .. i fell in love again .. the feeling of it .. really makes my world goes around ..

Thanks for showing me wat love is again ..

Future ..

Maybe this is worth .. 

  "For yesterday is but a dream,
  And tomorrow only a vision,
  But today, well-lived, makes every yesterday
  A dream of happiness,
  And every tomorrow
  A vision of hope and joy.
  Look well then to this day.'

 

Have faith in You

Can say .. this is one of the poem that makes me realize hopes .. 

'If you can keep your head, while all about you
 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you ;
 If you can trust yourselft when others doubt you,
 But  make allownances for thier doubting  too ;

'If you can wait and nnot tired of waiting,
 Or being lied about and not deal in lies,
 Or ebing hated and not gove way to hating,
 Nor yet look too good, nor talk too wise ;

'If you can dream and not make dreams your Master,
 If you can think and not make thought your aim;
 If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
 And treat those two imposters just the same;

'If you can make one heap of all your winnings
 And risk it in one turn of pitvh-and-toss,
 And lose and start again at the beginning,
 And not breathe a word about your loss;

'If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
 Twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools,
 Or see the things you give your life to, broken
 And stop to bulid them up again with worn-out tools;

'If you can force your heart and nerves and sinews
 To serve their turn long after they are done,
 And so hold on when there is nothing in you
 Except the will which says to them, "Hold on!"

'If you can talk with crowds and keep your virute,
 Or walk with Kings and not lose the common touch;
 If neither foes or loving friends can hurt you

 And all men count with you, but none too much ;

'If you can fill the unforgiving minute
 WIth sixty seconds worth of distance run,
 Yours is the Easth and everything that's in it
 And, what is more, you'll be a aman, My Son!'

28 April 2010 ..

Back to Kampar today .. seriously .. dun wan2 come back at all ..nt bcoz of my family or everything in Penang .. but is my life in Kampar .. i m gettin very tired of every single thing .. things are nt at the way it is .. problems surronding me .. results sucks .. everything screwed up .. blame no one but me ,,

Results.. i all mine to be blame..i din try my best at all .. i put relationship above my studies this time .. i dunno why n i dunno how i do so .. guess i just fell into deep shit .. i disappointed my daddy n mummy again .. i m sry ..

But i ll do my very best for the upcomin sems .. i ll nt disappoint u both again ..

At home, i read a book .. found a few meaningful poems in it .. but can i used it ? can i able to stand alone ? id cant .. No more ..

Today .. a very good fren of mine .. gave me a lot of advises .. follow my heart ..
Another fren .. posted this .. "If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they never ask you to"

And the last fren, said this.. *you never appreciate ur life..
*because the life u want can't be ur life now..
*when you din learn to appreciate..
*urself
*that is not a life.. and..
*u will lost soon
*never live for someone that never appreciate you..
*so, if u don't appreciate urself..
*who wil?

Honestly and seriously, i ll still live for tat person.. even thou he will nt appreciate me anymore, even thou he dun love me no more .. but i dun care .. coz i still do love him .. living everyday to see him smiles .. makes my day ..

2day really sucks !

hUGs

I m terribly down .. breakin down very soon .. not at this moment please ...

baby where are u ..

i need a HUG !!

Crying ..

I know .. i shouldnt be crying .. just i cant bare it no more .. heart is so weak .. so pain .. so hurt .. 

i hate arguing wit u over silly stuffs .. over the house issue over the redang trip and everything .. is just so hurt ..

u always say i dunno wat is in ur mind for the past few month .. how would i know if u din tell me ?

i hate it when every morning the 1st thing i search for is my phone .. to see ur morning msg .. i hate it when i find there is none .. i knew it yet i still go on the same thing over n over again ..

I hate it when u ask why i wan2 make everyone around me happy when i myself not ? Well, tis is me .. tat';s is me from the beginning ..

I hate it when my tears rolls down my cheek .. i hate it everytime i cry .. i hate it when u ignores me thou u know i m on9 .. i just hate the new u ..i tryin to accept it but is just so hard .. i wan the old u back ..

i hate the new u tat dun love me .. dun bothers bout me .. dun find me .. dun care at all anymore .. i hate it when u dun come find me anymore like u used to do . i hate it ..

i hate everythin now .. my life .. myself .. i hate hidin my emotions .. i hate it .. i hate it when i cry u walked away .. i hate it .. this is all tat makes me cry all the time .. i hate it when durin exams my thoughts went somewhere else .. i hate it tat i misses u when u don .. 

i really misses u a lot .. dont u know tat? Dont u know how much i needed u ?

If one day .. my disappearance ll make u happy .. then tat day should come .. tat day will be the day where tis blog where all my feelings are will be gone ..

All out of love - Air Supply

Was talkin to meow .. suddenly we started to sing .. haha .. n tis song pops into our mind .. so ngam our emotions now ..

Dedicated to Meow n myself..

Air Supply - All out of love .. 

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know   (chorus)
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong   I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh, so right?   And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone   (chorus)
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
(repeat chorus)

Forgive me ..

I tried .. i m still trying .. but i cant fake it anymore .. no more .. no more lies to myself ..

Tonite .. tis moments .. i break down once again .. i cant slp .. i cant study .. i m done ..

love is so real .. yet so sad .. i saw some stars tonite .. wishing tat u ll forgive n forget .. wishing tat everything is just a dream .. tat when i woke up .. we r still the loving couple we used to be .. 

i know i m stupid .. tat i dunno how to express myself .. stupid tat i hurt u till u gave up on me .. but baby pls .. i just wan to see ur smile .. to see u happy .. to appreciate me more ..

why can the time i almost gave up ..u held on to me ..  u pulled me back up .. but why now .. when u givin me ..u r not letting me held on to u .. u say it not worthy .. is worthy .. to me is worthy .. from last time till now .. is worthy ..pls .. 

i need u  .. i cant live without u anymore .. i need u .. 

smiles to me are so fake now .. i dun wan2 smile nor laugh anymore .. i dun wan2 fake it anymroe .. but my tears are real .. they cant stop flowing .. 

i know how hurt it is ..pls .. love me back .. give me another chance .. give our relationship another chance ..

pls .. i really cant held myself any longer anymore .. tis is the point where i cant anymore ..forgive me pls .. 

give our relationship another chance to continue our story .. please baby please ..

我爱 他 - Ding Dang

This is my recent fav song .. is very meaningful .. love it deeply .. 

I present to you ..

我爱他 by Ding Dang

他的镜框留在 某一节车厢
地下铁里的风 比回忆还重
整座城市一直等着我
有一段感情还在漂泊

对他唯一遗憾 是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪 都停不下来
若那一刻重来 我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

我爱他 轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦 狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他 相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏 都不肯醒来

我爱他 跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心 深深伤过却不会忘
我和他 不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂 最重的荒唐

如果还有遗憾 又怎么样呢
伤了痛了懂了 就能好了吗
曾经依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪

我爱他 轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦 狠狠碎过却不会忘
逃不开 爱越深越互相伤害
越深的依赖 越多的空白 该怎么去爱

我爱他 轰轰烈烈最疯狂

我的梦 狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他 相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏 都不肯醒来

我爱他 跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心 深深伤过却不会忘
我和他 不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂 最重的荒唐

如果还有遗憾 是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪 都停不下来
若那一刻重来 我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

And for english or pin yin translation .. 

TA DE JING KUANG LIU ZAI, MOU YI JIE CHE XIANG
DI XIA TIE LI DE FENG, BI HUI YI HAI ZHONG
ZHENG ZUO CHENG SHI YI ZHI DENG ZHE WO
YOU YI DUAN GAN QING HAI ZAI PIAO BO

DUI TA WEI YI YI HAN, SHI FEN SHOU NA TIAN
WO BEN TENG DE YAN LEI, DOU TING BU XIA LAI
RUO NA YI KE CHONG LAI, WO BU KU
RANG TA ZHI DAO WO KE YI HEN HAO

WO AI TA, HONG HONG LIE LIE ZUI FENG KUANG
WO DE MENG, HEN HEN SUI GUO QUE BU HUI WANG
CENG WEI TA, XIANG XIN MING TIAN JIU SHI WEI LAI
QING JIE YOU DUO HUAI, DOU BU KEN XING LAI

WO AI TA, DIE DIE ZHUANG ZHUANG DAO JUE WANG
WO DE XIN, SHEN SHEN SHANG GUO QUE BU HUI WANG
WO HE TA, BU ZAI SHU YU ZHE GE DI FANG
ZUI CHU DE TIAN TANG, ZUI ZHONG DE HUANG TANG

RU GUO HAI YOU YI HAN, YOU ZEN MA YANG NE
SHANG LE TONG LE DONG LE, JIU NENG HAO LE MA
CENG JING YI KAO BI CI DE JIAN BANG
RU JIN GE ZI ZAI REN HAI LIU LANG

WO AI TA, HONG HONG LIE LIE ZUI FENG KUANG
WO DE MENG, HEN HEN SUI GUO QUE BU HUI WANG
TAO BU KAI, AI YUE SHEN YUE HU XIANG SHANG HAI
YUE SHEN DE YI LAI, YUE DUO DE KONG BAI, GAI ZEN MA QU AI

WO AI TA, HONG HONG LIE LIE ZUI FENG KUANG
WO DE MENG, HEN HEN SUI GUO QUE BU HUI WANG
CENG WEI TA, XIANG XIN MING TIAN JIU SHI WEI LAI
QING JIE YOU DUO HUAI, DOU BU KEN XING LAI

WO AI TA, DIE DIE ZHUANG ZHUANG DAO JUE WANG
WO DE XIN, SHEN SHEN SHANG GUO QUE BU HUI WANG
WO HE TA, BU ZAI SHU YU ZHE GE DI FANG
ZUI CHU DE TIAN TANG, ZUI ZHONG DE HUANG TANG

RU GUO HAI YOU YI HAN, SHI FEN SHOU NA TIAN
WO BEN TENG DE YAN LEI, DOU TING BU XIA LAI
RUO NA YI KE CHONG LAI, WO BU KU
RANG TA ZHI DAO WO KE YI HEN HAO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AuVNRbWyjM 

Celion Dion - When i Need you ..

Suddenly this song is in my mind .. just love it .. been playing a lot in my mind ..

Just to share with all my readers .. enjoy ...

Celion Dion - When i need you ...

When I need you
Just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in
between us
A telephone can't take the place of your
smile
But you know I won't be traveling
forever
Its cold out, but hold out and do like I do


When I need you
Just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you babe
Its only a heartbeat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey, that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I wont be traveling a
lifetime
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do
Oh I need you

When I need you
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
Just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heart beat away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OglNPNPWvSo&feature=related 

Days ..

Sry bloggy .. for not b with you for so long .. been busy i guess ... or mayb .. not in my mood to blog ..
or should i say .. there are a lot of things tat i cant blog in here .. sad case huh ..

just back from CC actually .. played the new map - The Passing with the usual ppl .. hahah .. except the second round .. is with Emi n Ash .. is kinda fun .. no stress at all .. haahh ...

Too many emotions been goin around lately .. kinda tired .. assignment marks sucks like shit .. makes me gave up on the exams .. yes i know .. it's terrible ..

Feel like goin for a drink now .. make myself hang over .. i missed it .. last week was fun .. went for the voodoo boss bday party .. is was so fun .. free flow of beers n liquors .. everything is on the house .. how nice .. songs were nice yet i cant dance .. dress too short .. haiz .. nvm .. enjoy myself a lot .. met new ppl .. n was too high .. haha ..

Misses tat time .. these few days i m too stressed out .. makes me wan2 go for drinks .. haiz .. wat is happening to me .. hahaah .. goin crazy ..

DUnno ...

This word .. i dunno .. today .. it gives me the feelings of insecure .. a feeling of pain n sadness .. especially in this question .. 

I DUNNO ~

Wat a weekend ..

Weekend was sorta great i guess .. Yesterday .. i slp till 3 something in the afternoon .. too tired i guess ..
bout 5 something 6 in the evening, Andrew Chan and Calvin Ang come to kampar .. of course .. meow n mei come back as well ..

Went for photoshoots in the Westlake Garden .. was photoshoots by 2 photographer .. 1 is Andrew Chan .. another is Calvin Ang .. a pro photographer .. was kinda happy thou ..

thou i felt weird as a lot of ppl joggin n looking .. pretty scary ..well .. i haven see the pics yet .. hope it come out well .. hahah ...

Sunday .. today .. went to Kuala Kangsar .. for some bike jamboori .. so damn hot .. n the place .. is packed with Malays .. hahah .. got some chinese la .. but majority .. Malays .. all bikes n antique cars .. some very nice air brush .. looks like Mr. Bean's car ,, haha .. the bikes were awesome .. minus the scooters ..
Wat i meant is the Harley Davidsons .. they were AWESOME !! haha .. 

anyway .. we went back after shoot the bikes and meow get her client .. then we cabut to KFC ! haha ..

the time we headed back to kampar was around 2 something .. din get nap nap .. bathed BB ..

then had her on my lap .. till she slps .. haha .. was movie-ing .. thinkin of dancing so much ~ went to watch some pole dancing videos ..

and i can say .. byebye to pole dancing... so sad .. so many moves that i nt sure whether i able to do it ..

Sitting down in front of my notebook .. waiting for my hair to dry .. while wrtitin down my cookin list for tmr anniversary dinner .. cant wait .. i wanted to cook all Baby's fav .. well at least one of it .. hehe .. 

3 more hours .. cant wait .. is gonna be 12am .. is gonna be 26 April 2010 .. my one year anniversary with Baby .. just cant wait .. hehe

Wondering ..

Goin off to Kuala Kangsar soon .. to some Motorshow Jambori something .. With Andrew Chan, Calvin Ang, Meow Meow, Mei n Vincent Tan ..

Very tired .. have not been sleeping whole nite .. very worried .. baby have nt been replyin my msgs .. msgs din go thru .. call also cant go thru .. makes me worry more ..

He say will talk to me later after the party or something... waited .. but he din call back ..

just wanted to sms or call .. to wish him good nite and tell him bout my photoshooting .. and everything .. just wanted say how much i miss him .. n to wish him good nite ..

but msgs wasnt delivered .. phone was off .. low batt i guess ..

i m just worried .. gtg now .. off to Kuala Kangsar ..

All bout loving you - Bon Jovi

Even my music player is playin me .. randomly playin .. yet this song appears on the next song list and being played 3 times now .. in an hour .. 

Tis song reminds me a lot of u .. all the memories we had .. how u sing tis song to me when i was sleepin .. and tis song .. makes me remind myself how much i do miss u .. how much i wanted u to be here .. and how much i do love u now .. 

Tears almost flow out listenin to this song .. so silly of me .. i not sure whether do this song meant anything more to u .. but watever it is ..

Dedicate this song .. to baby n myself .. 

All bout loving you - Bon Jovi

Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

[Guitar Solo]

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

All about lovin' you

Beautiful lies ..

Sry to my bloggy for leavin u alone for some time .. a lot of things happen ..sad and happy ..

Happy is .. 1st time joinin a pageant n i made it till final .. yes .. my very 1st pageant .. Miss Tourism Perak 2010 .. haha ..betray Penang .. haha 

Lately, there are a lot of things just raised .. a lot of issues ..things tat i hope is not true become true ..
things are so unbelievelable .. dunno why .. but still have to accept the reality ..

Been disappointed a lot lately .. by a close fren .. whom i know n been close with since a year ago .. she bcome someone tat i dun recognize anymore .. nt her looks .. but her attitude .. totally changed .. dun mind if she change to the better .. but she changes to the worst .. so sad ..

Wat can i do as a fren has all been done .. there arent much more to do but only stand by her side when she needs a fren .. that's all i can do ..

This 2 days .. i seriously received a lot of disappointments .. and honestly i dun wan2 believe is true .. as truth really hurts a lot .. well .. but things are to clear to b said is not true .. i have seen it wit my very own eyes .. wat else can i say to lie to myself ..

you have become so pathetic in ur life .. fakin profiles and using them to give comments to urself ? isnt tat a pathetic work ? come one .. wake up .. get ur life back .. stop living in this pathetic life .. and stop living in the life tat u think is suits u but nt even at all .. 

u r just a toy to them .. honestly speaking .. u can never blend into the group .. u felt stupid with us .. but sry to say .. u r worst than dirt in there .. pls wake up .. i really dun wan2 see u learn the lesson the hard way .. i know u cant bare it .. u seriously cant .. n i cant see u reach tat level ..

when the truth is out today .. i really hope tat is not true .. but ur lies are just too beautiful to u till u never realize that there are flaws in it .. we are not stupid .. mayb i m .. but nt others .. they know wat u are doin n wat u tryin to do .. everyone just act dumb ..  

knowin u for so long .. really wish tat everythin is just a lie .. but is not .. the truth is u r lying to us .. to everyone .. u deceive our frenship .. i dunno wat else to believe in u anymore ..

but as a fren .. all i can do is be there for u .. tat's all .. baby tell me nt to care so much .. let u be .. u need to learn .. yes .. i must do so .. but at the same time .. i really wish tat u wont had tat lesson .. as u cant never able to handle it .. to say now .. is all up to u now .. i have ntg more to say ..

u are just a pathetic liar that seeks for attention ..

Gone ..

Wakin up .. with fever back .. headache .. tired of being weak ..

just wanted to ask u a question .. tat y u r forgetting bout me slowly .. just a question ..

yet u assume a scolding .. is just a question .. is it tat hard .. just ruin my days ..

wanted to tell u so so many things ..but i ended up keeping quiet .. promised myself nt to argue anymore wit u  .. anythin i ll just keep it within me ..

i m tryin to change .. cant u see tat ? or mayb u sees it as a lie then ? i just wan a better relationship tat's all ..

I did give u chances to change .. but why cant u now ?

Everytime i change .. u said u hate it .. tat i changes too fast .. but u never understand y i changed ..

u dunno hw the heart hurts .. tat's y i changed .. i dunno wat shall i do anymore ..

Restless ..

Hmm .. all of a sudden .. loneliness without ..

Forgetting bout me slowly .. 

not in any mood now ..

nitez

爱 ..

Bcoz i love u too much ..

I dun mind hurting myself now ..

i ll wait ..

5 April 2010 ...

Sitting outside the class alone .. waiting for the class b4 to come out .. is not time yet ..

Went to gym before tat .. wanted to workout till over my limit yet i cant .. i m just not in the mood to workout .. not in mood to eat at all .. totally lost my appetite now .. but wont u care ?

I dun wan2 know the truth.. at all .. now i m in the dillema whether to trust u anymore anot .. to u .. i m always assuming ..

U told me last nite that u were at a girl's place .. for the whole day .. only u and the gal with her family .. do u know tat .. it actually stabbeed rite thru my heart .. i felt the every pinch of it ..

Just now jess told me .. tat u wasnt with the gal alone .. there are other frens there .. do u think i ll believe .. is just ur reason .. reason to cover ur guilt .. even if is true as u ll say .. u should have told me last nite .. but u din .. all u ever mention was u n the gal ..

Since now .. the gal is more important than me .. what else can i do .. u ll say stop assuming .. how can i assume when u cant even answer my questions when i ask u is tat gal now more important than me.. m i still in ur heart and do u still love me .. u cant even answer tat ..

I not assuming something with is not seen by me .. u make is so visible to me tat i cant stop thinkin bout the truth .. it really hurts ..

U r now revenging back on me .. but u make it double the price .. u hurt me more now .. more than last time .. more than the pain u felt ..

I m just too hurt now .. this is the 1st time tat i really get distracted .. i really dun wan my imaginations runs wild .. but i really dun wan2 know the truth .. the truth that hurts me so badly .. i dun wan2 know what u n tat gal been doin in her house at all .. it really freaks me out .. i dun wan to know at all .. wat u two have been doin ..

It might sounds like an accussation to u .. but i m sry to say .. this is how i m feelin now .. this is wat u showin to me now .. it really hurts .. too much .. for me to handle ..

I really wanted to end eveything even my life now .. so tat this heart wont suffer .. but i cant just let go of u .. is too painful for me to let go of u .. too much .. u make me fall in love for u again n yet u turn over hurting me back .. so deeply ..

Is it all the efforts u make n asking me for a second chance in our relationship is just a strategy in ur plan of revenging back on me ? Is it ur plan of making me fall in love back to u deeply and then hurt me back ? I dun understand anymore ..  not anymore .. makin me love so so deeply and on the other hand .. u hurts me ..

I dun understand anymore .. all i wan to know .. whether I m in ur heart ..  wat is our relationship to u now .. izzit the calling of Baby to me is just a calling ?

I just cant let go of u anymore .. n i dun think i can bare the pain n tears if we put a fullstop in our story .. all i wan is make up fpor the relationship and just be wit u ..

Am i not good enuf for u anymore ? Am i no longer important to u? Am i no longer deserve anymore love from u?

20 more days ... 笑是 ? 我不会了 ..

Blurred ..

One word now .. heart broken .. tis is the 2nd time i cried so much .. so badly .. n i believe is the worst .. this heart was hurt too much .. 

I know i shouldn't cry so much .. but the heart cant take it anymore .. is broken .. into tiny bits .. is too weak now ..  Well .. bcoz of tat .. i m paying for it now ..

My visions are blur now .. even with the tears drops .. even how i wash my contact .. n even if i m wearin specs  now .. yes .. my visions gone blurred .. i guess tis is the payment .. Hope the payment ll settled by tmr morning ..

U can have all the revenge u wan now and since u are revengin double the price .. Wat can i do .. but just let it be ..

A trip down to the lane of memories ..

Gone to KL .. from the 1st April .. the Thursday nite .. till today .. 4th April .. i m back to Kampar .. a place fills with memories of u ..

Goin down KL was hesitated by me .. to go or not to go .. promised i wont bother u .. as u wan the whole weekend for urself .. went down to buy my heels .. which i wanted u to choose it so badly ..

In KL, stayed at Suren's place .. with Alicia .. yet u dunno tat i was there .. is was hurtin me so deeply inside .. Misses u badly .. wan2 see u badly ..

I din request to stay wit u .. all i wan is a just a hug from u .. seeing u even for a minute is more than i could ask .. all i wan is to see u n get a hug from .. tat's all .. can say .. so near yet so far from u ..

went to midvalley today .. passed the pet wonderland .. reminds me of the memories we had .. back to kampar .. reminds me much more of the moments we had together .. where else can i go .. goin back Pg ? I cant.. i dun think i can control my emotions anymore .. i might just break down when i sees my parents .. just lidat .. there is no more place for me to go ..

My place in ur heart has been replaced .. or mayb not .. but my seat has shifted .. no longer tat important anymore .. tis really hurts .. i wanted to b tough .. yet is so hard .. standin strong is just all fake .. i m still weak inside .. i still need u ..

I know i m harsh to u durin our arguements yesterday ... today i just wan2 call n apologize and make up for it ..is it so hard .. u dun even wan2 pick up my calls .. u cancelled my calls n u swtich off ur phones ..

Izzit u wan2 heard the news from my frens sayin that something bad happened to me only then u ll call back n answer my call .. is tat wat u wan ? is tat wat u wished for ..

i feel like saying this .. 陈欣宜今天死了 .

KL Shoppin ..

Been around KL.. with Alicia, Suren and also a new fren from UK, Myra (i think tis is how her name spelled) .. travellin around by KTM was not as fun as LRT as we got packed like sardins n worst .. it is slow !!

 No so packed already .. 

My krispy crazed .. 

 Alicia's new york Cheese

Krispy Kream .. DONUTS !!!

 THe lights at Ted Baker .. where the dress cost Rm700++

The paper windmilss decoration at Kate Spade

My Fried Asam Laksa

My new heels .. 

My new lipgloss from Elianto

The books i read durin in the train .. 

The food directory from MidValley ..

My jaw breaker sweets .. haha

Changes ..

I m writin my blog .. wit tears flowin non-stop ..

We had our phone called .. but there is like no conversation any more between us .. u have changed ..

U said u changed becoz i made u to .. the way i treated u coldly then and the way i treated u now makes u changed ..

U cant even give me answer on wat i m to u now n wat's my position in ur heart .. i m nt the one give up anymore .. u did ..

U said u needed time .. now u can have all the time u wan .. no one is forcin u anymore .. u have ur life back ..

I being selfish .. i being pathetic .. tears rollin down non stop ..

U always say can we talk bout tis other day .. tat u r tired n sleepy ..i just wan2 talk like we used to do ..even i m sick now .. i still waited for ur call ..but all we had in conversation was ntg at all ...

U say i m pickin on u .. mayb i m .. coz i wan u to realize ur mistakes .. now i m wrong .. i should just let u be the way it is ..

U said nobody understand how u feels .. u never said it up .. how could anyone understand ? U said u can go thru the whole months tat i was slipping away .. have u thought wat i have been thru too this entire time .. from the time u taken me for granted .. till the time i slipped away from u .. till now .. 

I hate myself for crying .. i hate it when my heart ache .. askin u for the answers really hurts .. all i wan is just attention n love from u .. is tat so hard now ?

I just wan it like how we used to b .. but now i feel .. tat i no longer part of u anymore .. mayb tis is the best for u .. nobody is goin to screw up ur life .. u said is too late .. but is never too late to get back ur life ..

U say i always assume stuff .. din u know tat things tat u say makes me do so .. mayb u r rite ..
We need a break from all these .. Honestly i dun wan a break .. s the break ll never ends ..

I just wan2 say i miss u badly .. i cant .. i wan2 say i love u .. i cant .. coz u wont believe anymore .. u wont care anymore ..

Do u still love me like u always do now ? M i still in ur heart ?

All i wan now is back to how we used to be .. tat's all ..

What should i do ..

I m not cryin .. but i dunno y my heart ache after i read it .. It just ache .. i dunno wat to do .. wat to say to console u .. all i do is keep silent ..

I dun wan every word tat i say add more problems to u .. i know u now very sad .. just i really dunno how to console u .. i know i m a bad gf .. all i can do is listen ..

Seeing wat u said .. my heart ache .. i dunno why .. i think i myself being selfish tat i screwed up ur life .. if is wasnt for me .. ur life wont be screwed .. 

U ll able to do all the things u been wanting to do for long in KL with ur best frens .. i m sry for making ur life miserable .. i m sry .. u might say is nt my fault n dun feel bad as tis is how u feelin .. i know tat .. just is just my feelings also to feel bad ..

U saying tat u ll b here for another half a year before u ll back to KL to work again .. tat really hurts .. for me .. happy times always fly .. so i being selfish again ..

Screwing up ur life is my mistakes .. dun blame urself for tat .. if wasnt me existing in u .. demandin so much from u .. things would have be better .. probably u ll b much more happier without me .. coz all i know .. i always burden u .. always make u sad .. always make u thinks so much .. all i do is always making u unhappy..

This is just how i feel after i read ur msg .. i know i shouldnt be thinkin tis things .. well is just my feelings .. dun take me wrong .. dun misunderstood .. i nt adding problems to u .. sry if i make u think so ..

Guess .. i know y now .. for now .. ADIOS ~

Miss Tourism Perak 2010

Tis is my 1st time joining tis pageant thingy .. kinda weird for me .. i nt a model .. nor pretty nor tall .. but just go ahead .. thanks to Ser Ling for asking us to join .. so well .. me n jess went for it .. It was a very tiring day with all the thick makeups n hairdo .. well ... i should say thanks to my baby for bein there for me for the whole day .. know he is tired .. but still he is there to support me all the time .. thanks a lot baby..

Was kinda happy tat i made it to semi-finals with Jess ... kinda surprise i even made it .. watever it is .. is a very good exp for me .. hope durin the semi finals next week .. i wont freak out ..

Adios ~

Silly Silly ..

I shouldn't have changed back .. I shouldn't have look back to the past .. to the old me  .. i kinda regret i reborn the old me ..

Giving out so much yet i still cry alone .. this is so pathetic .. or m i bring pathetic now .. haha .. well i dunno n i dun care .. 

Just me being silly lately .. havin the thoughts of  being back .. staying together with u .. nah .. i have to agree tat i being silly .. silly silly Calyn .. 

Well .. now .. i hope i learn my mistakes .. i hope i really do .. From now on .. i wont care so much .. worrying bout someone so badly is sickening me .. 

Probably i m wrong ... but tis is how i feel .. like it or not .. is none of ur prob .. tis is my blog .. being tis silly gal is sickenin me . really feels it .. 

I really did love u a lot .. n i believe i still do .. but recently .. u been showing me tat lovin u is a mistakes .. i hope i m wrong ..

I hate myself for crying over things like tis .. is just now me .. i hate it .. i hate it when my eyes gone red .. i hate it all the time .. i thought eveythin is solve .. but is not ..

I m actually doubting something .. i hope i m wrong again .. seriously .. i dun want to know the truth which hurts my heart so deeply .. whatever the truth is ..

Crossing ..

Maybe after everythin happened .. i wished to b more demanding .. or mayb i have turn into one .. i not sure ..

Sometimes i really wan u to company me .. i know is selfish s u gt ur own frens or ur own space n stuffs to do .. 

I dunno why i m nt in mood these days ... been feelin extreme tired .. deep inside i really wanted to cry .. i just dunno why .. but i know .. i must control myself nt to .. n i really dunno y i m havin all these feelings ..

seriously i m crossing my finger .. hope history will not be repeated n i ll nt b disappointed again n again .. i m tired of it and honestly .. i m afraid of it .. afraid of the feelins of sadness .. of sorrow .. and afraid of crying .. 

The worst .. i am afraid tat the heart hurts again .. i m not sure the next time it happen .. it can stand the pain tat stuck into it ..

This is just a feelin today .. i dunno why i m thinkin all these .. 

Please .. may history will not repeat itself ..

No mood ..

Seriously to say .. this semester i really not in my mood to study at all .. haha ..

Sometimes there are la ..but most of the time .. dun have ..

Today is also the same .. i should be studyin my CRM now .. sat is the mid term .. 6 lectures to study n yes .. i m still slackin .. oMG .. guess .. i m gonna fail my mid term very soon ..

HELP ! I need my mood back ~

Dilemma ..

2day din manage to go class again .. woke up with fever n vomit for no reasons ..

After tat ..felt a lot better.. went to Ipoh hospital with Jess, Alicia and Carmen .. Jess have to see doc for her eye .. there goes the whole day ..haha ..

Walked BB out today .. she kinda lazy to walk.. so cute ..

Just now went over to Alicia's place to copy some CRM notes .. n asked her to teach me bout the prints calculation ..

Back home feed BB n went out walkin BB .. it was kinda tiring ..

Been thinkin tonite ..mayb i shouldnt force u  .. mayb i should just not stay with u all .. i dun understand u all .. the reasons y i dun wan2 move into sing hua coz harvard gives me the feeling of home .. i really do wan2 stay there with everyone .. wit u .. but today u disappoint me ..

I m sayin this here bcoz i really dunno hw to say it straight to u ..u were the one who suggested we stay in a room together .. when i m ok with it now .. u withdraw urself away ..

I know is very sudden after everything tat happened .. but i really wan2 stay wit u .. spends all my time wit u ..

u said u suddenly wan2 stay alone in a room .. u said u prefer sleepin alone .. then wat about u now already used to slp with me on a bed .. is it so hard .. i really dun understand ..

I m really afraid .. afraid tat all i doin nw ll eventually hurts myself again .. pls proof me wrong .. i nt forcing u to make decision .. but i really wan2 know why ..

Why cant we like other loving couple ..living together .. if u think i m burden then just let me know .. i m so tired now .. seriously i m .. tryin so hard to makes everything like it used to be ..

I hate it when i m missin u  .. i hate it when i start lovin u back like how i used to be .. coz i m really afraid ..

Memories ..

I know i should be sleepin by nw .. just reached back home from yc with a bunch of kampar frens ..

Is a cold nite tonite .. no clouds .. and i can see the stars very clearly ..

Tonite is the nite where all our memories come back to me .. all our sweet memories .. how we actually begin under the stars ..

Really wish u are here right now .. been missing u yet dare not let u know .. Really wan2 hug so badly now .. lookin up at the stars .. reminds me a lot of u ..

Yes .. i finally forgive u ..

Stressed out ..

Today seriously not my day .. last nite i cried the most since the last time i cried coz of u .. i dunno why but i really dun wan u to leave last nite .. wan2 u to stay so badly .. when is ur intern goin to over ? wanted to go KL stay wit u but i cant .. having asgms discussions n also mid term ..

Wont be seeing u for this weekend and also the next .. was wondering .. baby can i follow u to anywhere too next weekend n also follow u back KL ? but i know is impossible .. i myself also financially broke .. so nah .. ll wait for next month then ..only come find u .. when i not broke .. haha ..

Today nt my day .. while nite BB barking .. dunno why ..then tis mornin wake up early to feed her n clean up the mess.. n finish Comm tech asgm .. done .. bath her .. n i was late to class .. half way there .. suddenly heavy rain .. and dunno how .. i fell down from my bicycle .. damn fed up ..

reached class .. wet n cold .. so totally nt my day .. really wan2 cry .. n yes i did ..

Welcome Baby Gal

Had my own puppy .. a small breed shih tzu . a female one .. very very happy to have her .. although is kinda troublesome and spends a lot tis month .. but is ok .. is just for this month .. have to save for tis month .. haha ..

Is training time for her .. have to give her house trainin .. but it takes time .. by then .. i still have to clean her pees n poos tat she make it everywhere .. haha .. 

Well she is cute enuf to make me smile .. 

Baby gal ~

U dun see her eyes .. hehe 

isnt she adorable ?