Changes ..

I m writin my blog .. wit tears flowin non-stop ..

We had our phone called .. but there is like no conversation any more between us .. u have changed ..

U said u changed becoz i made u to .. the way i treated u coldly then and the way i treated u now makes u changed ..

U cant even give me answer on wat i m to u now n wat's my position in ur heart .. i m nt the one give up anymore .. u did ..

U said u needed time .. now u can have all the time u wan .. no one is forcin u anymore .. u have ur life back ..

I being selfish .. i being pathetic .. tears rollin down non stop ..

U always say can we talk bout tis other day .. tat u r tired n sleepy ..i just wan2 talk like we used to do ..even i m sick now .. i still waited for ur call ..but all we had in conversation was ntg at all ...

U say i m pickin on u .. mayb i m .. coz i wan u to realize ur mistakes .. now i m wrong .. i should just let u be the way it is ..

U said nobody understand how u feels .. u never said it up .. how could anyone understand ? U said u can go thru the whole months tat i was slipping away .. have u thought wat i have been thru too this entire time .. from the time u taken me for granted .. till the time i slipped away from u .. till now .. 

I hate myself for crying .. i hate it when my heart ache .. askin u for the answers really hurts .. all i wan is just attention n love from u .. is tat so hard now ?

I just wan it like how we used to b .. but now i feel .. tat i no longer part of u anymore .. mayb tis is the best for u .. nobody is goin to screw up ur life .. u said is too late .. but is never too late to get back ur life ..

U say i always assume stuff .. din u know tat things tat u say makes me do so .. mayb u r rite ..
We need a break from all these .. Honestly i dun wan a break .. s the break ll never ends ..

I just wan2 say i miss u badly .. i cant .. i wan2 say i love u .. i cant .. coz u wont believe anymore .. u wont care anymore ..

Do u still love me like u always do now ? M i still in ur heart ?

All i wan now is back to how we used to be .. tat's all ..

What should i do ..

I m not cryin .. but i dunno y my heart ache after i read it .. It just ache .. i dunno wat to do .. wat to say to console u .. all i do is keep silent ..

I dun wan every word tat i say add more problems to u .. i know u now very sad .. just i really dunno how to console u .. i know i m a bad gf .. all i can do is listen ..

Seeing wat u said .. my heart ache .. i dunno why .. i think i myself being selfish tat i screwed up ur life .. if is wasnt for me .. ur life wont be screwed .. 

U ll able to do all the things u been wanting to do for long in KL with ur best frens .. i m sry for making ur life miserable .. i m sry .. u might say is nt my fault n dun feel bad as tis is how u feelin .. i know tat .. just is just my feelings also to feel bad ..

U saying tat u ll b here for another half a year before u ll back to KL to work again .. tat really hurts .. for me .. happy times always fly .. so i being selfish again ..

Screwing up ur life is my mistakes .. dun blame urself for tat .. if wasnt me existing in u .. demandin so much from u .. things would have be better .. probably u ll b much more happier without me .. coz all i know .. i always burden u .. always make u sad .. always make u thinks so much .. all i do is always making u unhappy..

This is just how i feel after i read ur msg .. i know i shouldnt be thinkin tis things .. well is just my feelings .. dun take me wrong .. dun misunderstood .. i nt adding problems to u .. sry if i make u think so ..

Guess .. i know y now .. for now .. ADIOS ~

Miss Tourism Perak 2010

Tis is my 1st time joining tis pageant thingy .. kinda weird for me .. i nt a model .. nor pretty nor tall .. but just go ahead .. thanks to Ser Ling for asking us to join .. so well .. me n jess went for it .. It was a very tiring day with all the thick makeups n hairdo .. well ... i should say thanks to my baby for bein there for me for the whole day .. know he is tired .. but still he is there to support me all the time .. thanks a lot baby..

Was kinda happy tat i made it to semi-finals with Jess ... kinda surprise i even made it .. watever it is .. is a very good exp for me .. hope durin the semi finals next week .. i wont freak out ..

Adios ~

Silly Silly ..

I shouldn't have changed back .. I shouldn't have look back to the past .. to the old me  .. i kinda regret i reborn the old me ..

Giving out so much yet i still cry alone .. this is so pathetic .. or m i bring pathetic now .. haha .. well i dunno n i dun care .. 

Just me being silly lately .. havin the thoughts of  being back .. staying together with u .. nah .. i have to agree tat i being silly .. silly silly Calyn .. 

Well .. now .. i hope i learn my mistakes .. i hope i really do .. From now on .. i wont care so much .. worrying bout someone so badly is sickening me .. 

Probably i m wrong ... but tis is how i feel .. like it or not .. is none of ur prob .. tis is my blog .. being tis silly gal is sickenin me . really feels it .. 

I really did love u a lot .. n i believe i still do .. but recently .. u been showing me tat lovin u is a mistakes .. i hope i m wrong ..

I hate myself for crying over things like tis .. is just now me .. i hate it .. i hate it when my eyes gone red .. i hate it all the time .. i thought eveythin is solve .. but is not ..

I m actually doubting something .. i hope i m wrong again .. seriously .. i dun want to know the truth which hurts my heart so deeply .. whatever the truth is ..

Crossing ..

Maybe after everythin happened .. i wished to b more demanding .. or mayb i have turn into one .. i not sure ..

Sometimes i really wan u to company me .. i know is selfish s u gt ur own frens or ur own space n stuffs to do .. 

I dunno why i m nt in mood these days ... been feelin extreme tired .. deep inside i really wanted to cry .. i just dunno why .. but i know .. i must control myself nt to .. n i really dunno y i m havin all these feelings ..

seriously i m crossing my finger .. hope history will not be repeated n i ll nt b disappointed again n again .. i m tired of it and honestly .. i m afraid of it .. afraid of the feelins of sadness .. of sorrow .. and afraid of crying .. 

The worst .. i am afraid tat the heart hurts again .. i m not sure the next time it happen .. it can stand the pain tat stuck into it ..

This is just a feelin today .. i dunno why i m thinkin all these .. 

Please .. may history will not repeat itself ..

No mood ..

Seriously to say .. this semester i really not in my mood to study at all .. haha ..

Sometimes there are la ..but most of the time .. dun have ..

Today is also the same .. i should be studyin my CRM now .. sat is the mid term .. 6 lectures to study n yes .. i m still slackin .. oMG .. guess .. i m gonna fail my mid term very soon ..

HELP ! I need my mood back ~

Dilemma ..

2day din manage to go class again .. woke up with fever n vomit for no reasons ..

After tat ..felt a lot better.. went to Ipoh hospital with Jess, Alicia and Carmen .. Jess have to see doc for her eye .. there goes the whole day ..haha ..

Walked BB out today .. she kinda lazy to walk.. so cute ..

Just now went over to Alicia's place to copy some CRM notes .. n asked her to teach me bout the prints calculation ..

Back home feed BB n went out walkin BB .. it was kinda tiring ..

Been thinkin tonite ..mayb i shouldnt force u  .. mayb i should just not stay with u all .. i dun understand u all .. the reasons y i dun wan2 move into sing hua coz harvard gives me the feeling of home .. i really do wan2 stay there with everyone .. wit u .. but today u disappoint me ..

I m sayin this here bcoz i really dunno hw to say it straight to u ..u were the one who suggested we stay in a room together .. when i m ok with it now .. u withdraw urself away ..

I know is very sudden after everything tat happened .. but i really wan2 stay wit u .. spends all my time wit u ..

u said u suddenly wan2 stay alone in a room .. u said u prefer sleepin alone .. then wat about u now already used to slp with me on a bed .. is it so hard .. i really dun understand ..

I m really afraid .. afraid tat all i doin nw ll eventually hurts myself again .. pls proof me wrong .. i nt forcing u to make decision .. but i really wan2 know why ..

Why cant we like other loving couple ..living together .. if u think i m burden then just let me know .. i m so tired now .. seriously i m .. tryin so hard to makes everything like it used to be ..

I hate it when i m missin u  .. i hate it when i start lovin u back like how i used to be .. coz i m really afraid ..

Memories ..

I know i should be sleepin by nw .. just reached back home from yc with a bunch of kampar frens ..

Is a cold nite tonite .. no clouds .. and i can see the stars very clearly ..

Tonite is the nite where all our memories come back to me .. all our sweet memories .. how we actually begin under the stars ..

Really wish u are here right now .. been missing u yet dare not let u know .. Really wan2 hug so badly now .. lookin up at the stars .. reminds me a lot of u ..

Yes .. i finally forgive u ..

Stressed out ..

Today seriously not my day .. last nite i cried the most since the last time i cried coz of u .. i dunno why but i really dun wan u to leave last nite .. wan2 u to stay so badly .. when is ur intern goin to over ? wanted to go KL stay wit u but i cant .. having asgms discussions n also mid term ..

Wont be seeing u for this weekend and also the next .. was wondering .. baby can i follow u to anywhere too next weekend n also follow u back KL ? but i know is impossible .. i myself also financially broke .. so nah .. ll wait for next month then ..only come find u .. when i not broke .. haha ..

Today nt my day .. while nite BB barking .. dunno why ..then tis mornin wake up early to feed her n clean up the mess.. n finish Comm tech asgm .. done .. bath her .. n i was late to class .. half way there .. suddenly heavy rain .. and dunno how .. i fell down from my bicycle .. damn fed up ..

reached class .. wet n cold .. so totally nt my day .. really wan2 cry .. n yes i did ..

Welcome Baby Gal

Had my own puppy .. a small breed shih tzu . a female one .. very very happy to have her .. although is kinda troublesome and spends a lot tis month .. but is ok .. is just for this month .. have to save for tis month .. haha ..

Is training time for her .. have to give her house trainin .. but it takes time .. by then .. i still have to clean her pees n poos tat she make it everywhere .. haha .. 

Well she is cute enuf to make me smile .. 

Baby gal ~

U dun see her eyes .. hehe 

isnt she adorable ?

Just a short moment ..

Happiness always ends fast .. We all had our happy moments together in Bukit Merah when i was the one driving .. my 1st time driving out from Kampar town .. was nervous at 1st .. but all ends well .. we manage to reached bukit merah without any obstacles from my driving .. haha ..We had a lot of funs there .. together with Jess,Alicia, Kent and Baby ..

Jess n Kent

Alicia 

 Me n Baby

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Just for a few days .. when i m gone back to Penang .. so many things had happned ..

Jess and Kent broke up .. Tat's is a shock .. they are such a loving couple .. but glad thing is .. they both takin it calmly .. well .. they are thinkin maturely .. unlike me .. haha ..

Went for Doc's checkup on my eyes .. felt so scare .. thinks a lot .. wat is wrong with my eyes ? Will i go blind ? silly me .. doc said i have dry eyes .. it cant be cure but can only b relief .. well .. i think i should consider myself lucky .. doc's advice me nt to cry too much anymore .. one of the cause of my eyes other than contact lens is . i cried too much n all my natural minerals in my tears are gone .. so i had dry eyes .. even nw .. if i cry .. inside my eye ll turn red .. haha .. scary thou .

Been thinkin a lot in Penang .. Taken to decision to close my heart ..close my feeln to someone .. and truly n fully open back my heart to him .. it was tough .. but rather than hurtin everyone .. is the best way .. i cant make myself to hurt neither of them anymore .. so i take this step .. as long as both of them are happy .. i ll have the smile in me ..

N yes .. i been missing u .. for the days i in Pg .. but i dun wan2 say it .. coz i know it ll make u feel weird . but i said it yesterday .. i was kinda disappointed .. as ur reply way uhh.. erm .. 

Honestly i was really disappointed .. at that moment .. i felt regret in me .. at tat momnet .. suddenly i felt the hurt .. the hurt tat u gave me last time . it reminds me tat moment .. i felt hurt .. but is ok .. is ok i said to myself ..

I m sry for angered up last nite .. was feelin unwell n yet i feel disappointed ..i m sry ..

What a day ..

Well today .. i went to see Baby gal .. she is so cute .. cant wait to take her home next week when i come back from Kampar .. tat is just a part of my good day .. comin down .. it become terrible ..

Kor asked me to buy him a pair of tortoise .. but eventually i din not manage to pass the tortoises to him .. 

why ~

Because both are dead .. left them in the car when we went to lunch .. slightly open the window .. so when we came back to the car .. one tortoise was missing .. dunno crawl to where .. Me, Alicia and Carmen searched the whole car .. even under the sits n in the sits n the boot .. we eventually overturn the whole car inside .. but still cant find tat fella .. so in the end .. we make the assumption that it fall out from the car when i opened the door but we din realized it .. hope really so la .. 

The other fella was alive .. but mayb accidentally suffocated it when we were searchin for the other one .. so sad .. i eventually had a bad bad karma today .. killed both tortoise by accident today .. wat a day ..

Slp for the whole afternoon today .. ahah .. woke up n had my dinner n study .. can say is a very hot nite .. went out yc with sharwin n the rest .. 

there are still a bit more to memorized .. hope can finish by friday nite as sat is the mid term .. and yes .. penang .. i m coming back .. hope everythin ll b fine when i go back penang .. kinda worry .. ahaha .. 

But is a lucky thing for me tonite .. as my mood is not ruined like some other nites .. thanks .. 

is time to get back to study now .. chao ~

Another nite ...

I know i should be studyin by now .. but no .. i just finish my Media Planning exercises .. 

Brain nt functioning well .. mayb is bcoz i dun feel so well .. ya .. headache n body pain ..

Today i also not in my mood .. 1st is bcoz i dun feel very well ..

2nd is .. my emotions is a messed up .. i dunno wat should i do .. i really dunno ..

I tried not to think bout it .. but i cant .. they just keep comin into my mind and pestering me none stop .. 

I wanted to run away from all this .. but i dun wan2 hurt anyone ..

I dun mind hurtin my own self .. i really dun .. as long as everyone is happy .. tat's is enuf for me .. i cant able to make myself selfish or evil .. i just cant ..

i felt tat .. for these past 3 months.. my world just crashed into the infinite darkness .. a darkness which i nvr sees before .. 

My days used to be so hard to go thru alone .. but now .. i think i m used to it or haven it ? yes .. i have all my best frens around me .. I have them around me .. but sometimes .. i felt lonely .. there is something in me tat is missing .. somethin tat even my best frens cant replace .. 

Tat's my the other half .. someone who can share all my problems wit ..  someone who there for me when i cry n cheers me up makin me smile when i down .. someone who ll hug me n warm me up .. i used to have tat .. but now .. i lost it all .. izzit me or wat .. the heart is slowly dyin .. i become feelinless to anyone .. i bcome cold .. 

Hurting anyone is totally not my choice .. but to see their smile .. i ll have to make decisions .. s to see them happy .. i ll b happy too .. or shall i put a full stop to my story ? i know if i did .. i wont able to bare the pain n the tears .. but if tat would make everyone happy .. why not .. 

It's just the time which is gonna decide for me now .. Hope tat things will not turn worst .. i cant bared to lost this feelings of love bcoz i cant bare the pain in my heart .. i m so scare .. so afraid of the pain .. but yet .. i dunno what should i do .. 

I m really scare .. but can anyone understand? Over and over again .. i showered my love to someone .. and over and over again i was hurt .. am i not good enough to love someone? 

Yes i m giving a chance n accepting love again .. but  .. deep down inside me .. i m so scare .. to get hurt again .. how the heart ache nobody can understand .. 

Now .. all i pray n wish is .. things will turn out better .. n let the love fills the air again .. let things make my world brighten up .. i m tired of crying .. i m tired of being hurt in my heart .. i m tired to act tough all the time when i know deep inside me i m not ..