Am i being selfish ?

I don't know what else to think for nd about anymore .. the more i think the best for you .. the more you hated me .. the more you said i have change .. maybe you didn't realize about it .. or maybe you did .. I don't know .. but i do .. i realized that both of us have been too dependent of each other .. to the extend that we doesn't want to be far apart from each other.. even after graduated .. i understand that ..

but sometime .. i felt that you don't understand bout some little things .. that i felt you think too much .. you are not the only one that has been thinking of our future .. me too .. the differences is i think  more of other factors than only tow of us .. 

yes, i couldn't decide where to go after i graduated .. but is that a matter ? All i wanted is you can decide where you want go .. you know .. for me .. you keep saying about our future but what about your own ? If you cant decide on your own future and make a clear stand on it, how can you be sure that our future is what we planned or what you planned of ? If you cant secure your own future, how you going to secure ours ?  Don't you get it? 

Yes, i might not be in Malaysia after i graduated .. but that's just a maybe.. i have my promises to my parents .. to my mum that i will go for a tryout in Singapore .. We both have our own responsibilities to our family and i bet you know that .. Is not that all the time we have to think bout our future - you and me .. but sometimes we have to think of our family too .. i know my parents will support my decision .. 

Every time , when you asked where i will be working after i graduated , sometimes i felt so bad and sometimes it really pissed me off . I would ask myself, why wouldn't you think for yourself more? about your future first .. why wouldn't you have the trust and faith in our relationship ? You know, it hurts deep down when i realize that thou you said that your love me so much .. but somehow, i felt that you don't trust and have faith in us .. in me .. Maybe i am not a good partner for you .. maybe whatever i think of, you will be sad n angered ..

You said that i have forgotten bout the Christmas plan in Genting .. i have not .. honestly to say, i really wanted to celebrated Christmas with you in a special way .. in Genting .. with all the countdown and the fireworks .. but have you thought of the reasons why i said i don't want to go ? Have any other factors that crosses your mind ? Yes, maybe the reason would be you never been to Genting on holiday season.. but every time for me to bring up this , you will get frustrated and walk off the topic .. i hate it ~

Sometimes, your decision really pissed me off .. yes.. i also wanted to have special celebrations with you .. but you know .. is not like i want it and i can have it .. no is not .. we need to think about other factors before we can decide on stuff .. i know you .. all you wanted is just the moment with me .. both of us together .. but seriously, sometimes not all the things we wanted to do and wish for can be done .. I also have a lot of planning and want list in mind .. but i know .. i have to let them go sometimes cause of other things that come in between .. that's the differences in our thinking .. you know, it really hurts a lot when i found out that you misunderstood me .. it makes me felt that you don't understand me ..

I might have change if to compare the me from the beginning of our relationship.. but you aren't that far from me .. as days pass by .. i felt that we are losing the touch of communication in us .. last time, we talked almost everything .. from why are you moody, why i m grumpy ,, how was our days .. it was all gone .. you know what get me in frustration .. is you .. i m starting to get upset and angry whenever there is something in your heart and you just say NOTHING . i hate it .. You starting to keep everything to yourself.. Is this the step to the future of ours ?  What am i to you ? Where have all our heart to heart conversation gone to? I might not be a good listener and adviser , all i want is you speak out and i will be there for you ..

All this making me feel hopeless in our relationship .. i might understand you in some way but not always .. you need to tell me and voiced it out .. trust me .. if this continues .. sooner or later .. we are going to have a big arguments .. and that time nobody knows what is going to happen .. If for you, keeping all your emotions within yourself, the future of ours will be getting dimmer .. no relationship can last long if there is no faith, trust and communication even though there is a bond of strong love between us .. you know that well .. 

I really wish some things will be like the beginning of our relationship .. i really hate going back home with all these stupid feelings in me ..

Amitié ..

Is it just me ? that i felt something that shouldn't be ..

Everything seems different from last time .. felt being like a doll .. is it just me ? 

won't you understand ? a person for me to voice out myself to .. cause you are one of the person that i can go to and express myself .. but all i wanted is you t hear .. yes sometimes i needed your advice .. but sometimes .. wont you think that your words is a little too harsh that it might hurt my feeling ?

sometimes .. i felt that .. u r there for me when i needed someone to talk to .. but sometimes .. i felt that expressing my thoughts to you makes me felt so useless and being nuisance from what you replied to our conversation ..

sometimes .. i really wish you would understand and just lend me your ears .. and not advising me back with answer that your don't even know that it will hurt me ... 

maybe it's the differences of thoughts and opinion that we have .. i don't blame you for that .. blamed myself .. 

don't have to worry much .. just expressing myself .. nothing much of offense and feelings .. hope don't mind ..

gosh .. PP and Lin Wey .. i really miss you both badly .. thou i know that we aren't as close as we used to be anymore .. but .. our friendship is the one i cherish the most ..