Another disappointment..

Sometimes, life is full disappointment when at the time you least expected it..

So many things happened in a day.. in just a day.. everything around me just bring me down..
give me loads of surprises.. surprises least to be expected and least to be what i wanted..

i guess all i ever dreamed of coming back to Penang, faster get the hell of Kampar, was solely just a mistake..

Everything i dreamed of, was so perfect.. but then, when i m back here, to  place i miss the most, i realized...

things are the other way round.. yes, dream is always a dream.. and it's just me.. the only one who haven't wake up from the dream.. or should i say, reluctant to wake up..

If i know, that coming back to Penang things will all change.. I would rather stay back in Kampar.. crying myself to sleep and suffer like hell.. if to compare to all the disappointed and all the feelings i having now.. it's thousand times worst..

Baby changed.. i felt the love changed once i m back to Penang.. it freaks me out.. i dunno what have i done wrong.. i have feelings inside me playing in my heart and thoughts playing in my mind.. it's so confusing.. i m scare that you will say the words again.. so many thoughts running in my mind.. what is going on between us.. what happened between us? Why are you treating me so cold one day and then the next day everything seems just fine? I hate all this feelings and thoughts I am having now..

Back home, I thought it would be a place.. a place that would give me love and peace that i have been missing .. or so I thought.. what's the point having life myself..everything is planned.. nothing is planned MY way.. all I want for and all i wished for .. is just Christmas and New Year together with the one I love.. but why, there are so many obstacles for me? Haven't I been through enough for the past 3 years? Or haven't I ? Am i still the little girl in your eyes? That things must be planned for me.. i m not a puppet.. or this is so i felt..

Last night, i made up my mind, that once i have enough money I will get myself out from that house.. a house that so called home.. I will get daddy and mummy out too..  I will just take the thought that I no longer have a brother.. Last night, I felt i totally lost my one and only brother.. He breaks my heart and he tarnished "my brother" 's image that i have been keeping in me.. All just because of his "devoted" wife and daughter in law..

I couldn't believe myself when he come home with that question last night. Even daddy was shock. It's just a small matter and it's not even a problem at all. Why she want to complain to brother. How ignorance and selfish she is! She never did respect daddy and mummy as the parents in law.. who she thinks she is.. talking away my brother from us.. 

Yesterday, i really felt disappointed and heart broken.. I felt i have lost a bro and the guy i love.. how i wish yesterday never happened.. and i m still in my perfect dreams of mine.. not to waking up to the horrible reality..

Useless..

I felt so useless.. for cant able to help baby share the burden.. 

I know bie is worried and stressed out coz of money prob yet i cant help.. everyday he ll show me the face of happy..

to him, as long as i happy he is happy but then, if i m happy but you are not.. what's the point..

i really felt so useless for cant help baby.. i dunno what to do.. i really dunno what to do..

I am sorry.. 

19 more days ..

Everyday.. i m telling myself..

i m ok i m ok and i ll be ok..

i just wanna be strong just for another 19 days..

It's so hard for me.. my emotions and my heart is breaking inside me..

any minutes tears will just flow.. but i tell myself.. i m ok.. just to resist my tears and just to be ok in front of everyone..

Finals is in 2 weeks.. i m freak out.. i m so stress.. i have no confidence at all.. nor for tomorrow presentation.. for all fucking three years.. i never been this stress.. this nervous.. this freak out.. 

i called mummy today.. hearing her voice makes me wanna just cry my heart out.. but i know if i do.. they ll get worry.. so i just keep it to my heart.. it's so suffering..

i just wanted to show to them who i care and love that i m strong and i m ok.. dun need to worry for me.. i ll be ok..

all these stress.. is really killing me.. i dun wanna to be blamed on for screwing up tomorrow's fyp presentation.. shalini presented so well.. me.. i was just like never present before.. i freak out...  

this sem.. this finals exam.. really freaks me out.. i m so scare what if i forget everything that i studied for the finals on tat day.. i really freak out.. everyone keep saying i can and exam is nothing for me.. but who really knows what is in my mind? that i m so scare off...

i just wanted to be strong for another 19 days.. after that i can go home to my family and baby..  i just wanted to be strong.. be ok.. 

Sorry..

Haiz.. i disappoint baby again.. 

guess for him i break promise .. again..

i am sorry..

but sometime, i really wish baby ll understand..
i dun wanna miss the gatherings at the same time..

i know i break the promise.. again.. i m sorry baby..

dun angry or give up pls.. i m sorry.. T.T

I realize..

I knew.. that things arent easy for you.. but i never realized it was till this ..

I am sorry..

I know you have sacrifice too much for me.. for us.. 

I know.. if i wasnt being selfish tat day, you would have a better life.. a happy one..

I know, if i dint made that decision, you wont be dropping tears that day..

I know, if i have the courage to let you go, you wont be suffering that much like how you are now..

I am sorry.. 

But, no matter wat you have, who you are.. You are still the love of my life.

You are still the one i wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. 

I am sorry baby.. and.. i love you .. 

14 November 2011 ..

Our birthday have passed.. another year of we celebrate together.. and i hope.. we will always do..

It's not the first time.. again.. you left in the wee hour in the morning..

again, the feelings is unbearable.. 

For the times, i wanted to stand by the window and waved you goodbye and have a safe journey back.. yet i couldn't.. seeing you left breaks me inside..

i know you having the same feeling too.. as you request me not to send you down.. 

you felt i am annoying.. that i keep saying "please drive safe.." .. 

i said it as i really cant lose you.. i said it coz i really love you and wanted to be with you.. so no matter how annoyed you felt, i still ll say it..

Baby, i never wanna lose you.. i wouldn't know what i ll do then.. missing you every single second of my life has been having an impact to me.. i really wouldn't want to imagine if i ever lose you..

So please..

Day 14..

Another week passed... with or without i realizing it.. i m not sure..

all i know now.. is i will waste all my time doin all shits of assignments and wait for another to meet bie again..

back from taiping yesterday evening.. felt so heavy in heart when to leave bie.. is like we both knows.. it's time to b apart again.. walking on different way .. back to the place where we should be for now..

felt so depress at that moment.. but i know.. time ll come again soon to meet bie again..

2 more days.. i m back to penang.. to see my beloved family.. to see and hug my baby hubbie again.. but .. this time.. time really pass very slow..

I really wish that time could pass faster to meet you and when we are together, time would stop..

Day 8 ..

Class as usual today..

very bad in mood.. no idea why..

Just say.. I had enough of everything today !!

Been unwell since last week.. today vomit twice.. haiz.. food digestion prob i think.. dun really wanna care much... let it be.. it ll go away..

Assignments really stressing me out.. Hopefully can overcome it...

Baby and my bday in a week time.. still have no idea what to buy for him..

Goin to see baby in 2 days time.. HAPPY !!!! 

and also my besties !! yay !!

Day 7..

I got a surprise on Friday nite.. at the very moment where i almost break down... It was Baby.. knocking on my door.. smiling at me.. unexpected visit from him.. I dun care any more... I just hug him.. 

We went around for food.. hugging you to slp for3 nights.. was just a dream come true.. i would never ask for anything else anymore.. but then..

you make me to promise you.. that i wouldn't be emo again.. i wont dare to promise.. but i will try my best..

to see you again.. i ll do anything..

U left again this morning, I tried.. no to fall any tears from my eyes.. tried to keep it in the heart.. tried to think that it was just a dream.. but i m sure.. It's real..

but is ok.. i ll see you again... very soon..

Day 3..

Woke up very early in the morning.. dreamed bout you..

makes my heart sore so badly..

class today was understandable.. tried to ignore the emotions swinging around me..

but cant.. went to gym.. makes me almost in tears.. have to keep it so hardly n badly..

gym is the place where we hang out the most.. our time together working out.. me spending my time in gym just to wait for you .. and you waiting for me.. it really sore my heart..

tried to ignore the emotions again.. but failed..

coming home.. seeing our album.. the bear bear u gave me.. cuts me in deeply.. the feeling of missing you.. really is killing me..

tried to smile.. tried to be happy.. i guess i just cant..

crying myself to sleep every night.. i really miss you so much..

2nd day..

Today is the 2nd day.. without baby here.. it's the 2nd day i have been crying..

was in tears when passed the gym this afternoon.. it's the place of me and baby..


I miss baby so much..


trying to distract myself but i seems cant.. hugging bear bear.. tears dropping..


i m so stress.. assignments.. not in  mood to do.. no in any mood to do anything..


everything i hear your voice.. makes me in tears.. seeing you in msn.. makes me sourish in heart..

i felt miserable.. i need you here .. 

Day 1 for last sem..

Today is day 1 for last sem.. also is the first day i m living alone in kampar without baby by my side..

i have to admit.. i cried a lot today.. since you left early in the morning..

i wanted to hug you so badly and to be by your side so badly..

i miss you so badly.. that when i saw you in msn.. i cried out..

i wanted to come back to penang.. so badly.. to be with my family and baby..

Killing me..

Keep telling myself..

It's just for 3 days ..

Just 3 days alone in Kampar.. just 3 days.. It will passed just in a blink..

yet is so hard..

It's killing me inside..

The worriness i having ... the emotions i having .. the feeling of missing..

It's really killing me hard..

How can I imagine what would happen when the new sem start..

My feelings, my emotions.. 

It's killing me ..

I feel like crying yet I mustn't ..

I know how baby feels now .. he doesn't wanna go back and so am I.. I doesn't wan him to leave..

Oh gosh.. this feelings and emotions .. Is really killing me now .. T.T

Misunderstood ..

I really hate being misunderstood ..

You said that i sweet sweet wit bie in FB is just to tell bie bout the outing ..

YOU ARE DAMN WRONG !!

I just wanna make bie's day better by giving bie's another day of hope..

Haiz ...

Gone speechless ..

Sometimes .. I just wanna be strong for you .. I just need to stay by your side .. to be strong for you .. so you wont give up.. That's was i thought .. 

I have tried to shut off the guiltiness in me .. But now, it seems I cant no more .. After the message I receive from you last night, I realize .. or should I say .. I woke up from my dream .. Is the fact now .. that whatever baby is suffering .. It's all my fault for being selfish .. 

I really wanted to help baby .. and make him understand that is ok .. But i really don't know how now .. really wanna just be speechless and just listen ..

Just a while ...

I know it's weird that i posted 2 post in a day ..


cant do this back to my fb status ..


if i do so, ppl will start asking me what's wrong and am i ok ..

All i want now.. 

Nothing but just a hug and a shoulder for me to cry on ...

I really just need a moment.. to release it ..

Flu..Rejection.. Ignored ..

Basically i think i just hate today ..

Sudden flu .. eyes started to swell.. felt so terrible ..

Called to get feed back from some clients.. rejected .. not interested .. gosh.. i was thinking.. i m just so dead.. what am i gonna do.. boss is giving me pressure in this .. headache for few days thinking bout i m so not productive..

talked to baby yesterday telling him that i ll be going to Soho this sat with some idiots.. as usual.. the consequences is he ll emo n dun like it n think a lot .. i understand that and accepted him because it's just him.. tat's my baby hubby.. 

text him this morning .. until now .. received no reply ... felt ignored .. is it because of what i told him last nite .. if is so.. i rather not go tis sat nite .. cant really bare him ignoring me and me keep thinking what is he thinkin ..

saw his fb's status .. wanting to keep himself extremely busy .. guess that status make my day worst.. i really wish i din see tat status .. hmm..

what the hell am i thinking !!

New Experiences ..

Ups and downs after the last semester..

Internship started just like a week ago .. and our 1st event for our intern is iFoodex .. together with the international chocolate fair at PISA ..

lots of different country of chocolates were sold in 3 days .. tat's was a whole new experiences with chocolates .. din know tat chocolates are so tempting to some people .. especially the chocolate lovers.. so or not .. i m not really a chocolate lover myself ..

But i fall in love .. with this type of chocolate from Australia .. it's the merlot wine chocolate .. not really a wine lover but .. seriously .. this chocolate is just so amazing .. the taste of the wine blend in the chocolate .. hmm.. yum yum ..

Australian Merlot Wine Chocolate

Work was fun i guess .. 

Trying my very hard to blend into with my workmates .. sometimes i just felt i dun blend in .. but is ok .. is a whole new experience for me ..

Things wasn't that well with baby either .. maybe i m just tired over the weekends .. well .. i don't want to think bout it anymore .. it hurts me too much to think bout it again ..

Weekends is just around the corner .. parents'day and drinking day .. grace's bday .. just cant wait .. ^^

Soaring ..

Maybe I know why .. Maybe i don't ..

As time passes by .. it hurts more and more .. Do i really know why or am I just denying it ..

All i know now .. each passing day .. my heart sore .. the feeling that i cant bare .. not anymore .. it really sore inside out .. it's just so hard to keep the tears from falling down ..

why cant time just stop ? I just wish i have more time ..

Cameron HIghland 2011

Finally .. the trip i long waited for ..

Today is the day .. headed to CAMERON ~^^

Baby surprise me few days back .. say we are going to Cameron today .. i was so damn happy ^^

Called Carmen n Kenny last minute .. had dim sum breakfast together and here we go .. went to Cameron together with Wei Lun as well .. the whole trip was damn fun .. 

On the way up to BOH garden - they looks like gangster =.=

We had just lots fun .. BOH garden for brunch .. Rose Valley .. Strawberry Farm and steamboat .. steamboat there as well .. can say .. so so only .. 

Apple Pie

Dunno what .. ( Chiffon Cake with something)

Pizza 

Banana Carrot Cake

Rosemary Marinated chicken and baby potatoes 

Strawberry Pie (i think)

We had slight problem when we went to Strawberry Farm .. the road too sloppy till that Carmen, Kenny and Wei Lun had to get down from the car only then it able to drive up the slope .. at the same time ,. there were this very leng chai ang moh that helped us to push the car as well (though it wont help) .. but is ok .. 

White roses .. aren't they just beautiful ?

2 tone pink roses .. they're just perfect ..

Volcano steamboat 

Weather is so nice ..bought roses .. bought strawberries .. but most important .. i m with my Baby .. thought he spend some money on the roses for me .. i got bunches of white roses , champagne, 2 tone pink .. i love them so much .. 

All my favorite roses

Strawberries for all

Strawberries for myself and baby 

 Had them in a vase with some Babies .. thought the thorns are killing me .. but is ok .. i still adores them ... Baby too bought cactus for himself .. and also i bought a small plant with me .. pray hard that the roses will last longer and so does my baby plant .. 

My baby plant

Baby's weird looking cactus

White rose hair pin

Headed back to Kampar bout 6.30 plus .. is a tiring yet very very happy fun day .. 

Thanks a lot Baby .. love you so so much ..

Tired n Disappointment ..

I m fucking tiring these few days .. i guess all the members felt the same .. hope this campaign faster over .. 

WE NEED A BREAK !!

today i learnt my lesson again .. reminds me a lot of what daddy also teach me ..

the more you hope, the more you will be disappointed ..

do not count the chickens before it hatches.. 

too many hopes and a broken promise from sweet words .. are seriously hurting at the same time .. disappointing 

Getting my rest now .. tmr is another day .. nitez for now ..

Missing those times ..

Little did i know .. today it brings back too many memories to me ..

it makes me cry ..

I just realized .. or can say .. i realized it long time ago.. just i am living in denial .. that things aren't the same as it used to be ..

our friendship were different if to compared to the time when we were in secondary ..

maybe it's because of distance .. maybe it's because we all have changed .. or maybe it's because we seldom get together on the phone or have the time together like we used to ..

I missed those time .. during our secondary .. where we were always together having fun, going out and chatting bout most of every single things every day ..

I missed those times where we were lending ears to each other's problems .. laughing together at some crazy jokes ..

Maybe it's just me .. feeling this way .. maybe it's just me who lost contact with you all .. I just felt i don't fit into our friendship as paths that we chosen were different .. we used to go crazy bout the korean band .. but now .. i went the other path and you all were updated days by days about them ..

Maybe as we grow up.. life changes up .. we have different mindset bout things and our own life .. 

But no matter what happens .. you will always be my best friends .. the best friends who understand me best when i don't even understand me myself ..

A month plus to go .. before i going to meet you once again .. to the friendship i cherish the most in my life .. a friendship that i will never regret..

Friendship that can't be replaced

LA la ~

Received a parcel this afternoon ..

it's something that i wanted for quite some time ..

or can said .. it's something that i wanted since i learn to get pretty and make-up .. hahah 

yes.. is a multi layered cosmetic box ..

and it's red in color ~ ^^

It's RED !!

before ..

ta da !

Few days back .. baby made me JELLIES .. in TEDDY BEAR shapes .. so happy ..

teddy ~

lotsa teddies ~

lotsa lotsa teddies ~

hehe .. thanks a lot baby .. hehe .. they are just too adorable to be eaten .. muakx .. love you so much ^^

love you ~

Oh no ~

I dunno what should i do now .. 

Brains is empty .. i wanted study and start my revision..  but the mood is just ain't there ..

what should i do ?

i m starting to stress out .. i m too afraid that this time .. i really won't make it at the finals ..

feel like breaking down for this moment .. cry all my heart out .. mood really ain't that good .. 

My eyes ..

Gosh .. today my eyes seriously need a break .. my eyes felt so damn tired .. n it's like burning ..

thanks to the ugly handwriting of the people and also the consequences of starring at the laptop for too long ..

my eyes felt like this .. sob


Baby is away today .. to Genting with his dunno who family' friend for some business dinner .. there got a lot of tai lap business man .. hahah ..

hope baby will enjoy himself there and get good opportunity .. 

World Invasion : Battle of Los Angeles

Today was awesome .. thou i m so freaking tired after a whole day of busy-ness .. 

went on a date to Ipoh with baby .. went to eat the delicious "nga choi kai" .. sadly .. cant finish .. thanks to the stupid ulser underneath my tongue .. i get to go on diet for days ..

went for this awesome movie .. 11.45pm movie .. couple seat .. watching .. World Invasion : Battle of Los Angeles .. gosh never did realized it was a 3 hours movie until we get out from the cinema .. haha..

but anyhow .. it's damn worthy to watch .. at least is like thousand times better than Skyline .. seriously Skyline SUCKZ to the max ~

Seriously.. this is a must watch movie .. i din fall asleep in the cinema for a very tired me ~ tis movie is only be described in one word "AWESOME"

~ 2 thumbs up ~

Belly Piercing ..

Finally i got my belly piercing .. thou is kinda exp .. RM 90 !! but is ok .. it's worthy .. been waiting for it like ages .. just waiting for the good timing of flat n firm tummy .. and also same interest friends .. 

happy that i din't cry .. but i was sweating in pain .. is so painful .. gosh .. i still can feel the pain till now .. hope wont bernanah .. *touch wood* and please do recover fast .. so i can change the ring to a nicer one .. and i can continue go back to gym and get my weight down and firm up my tummy.. hehe ..

my belly piercing .. on fat tummy ., =.=


anyway .. one person i should thanks to.. my baby .. he was there right beside me .. supporting me and comforting me when i was in pain .. thanks a lot baby .. love u much much .. XOXO

I m BACK ~

Guess who's back ? 

Sorry that i have abandon my blog so sometime .. been terribly busy and at the same time, no really in any mood to blog ..

So now, YA ~ i m BACK ~

Been so much things has happened and changed around me .. lost my phone .. lost all my precious pics .. lost all my contacts .. arg.. just hate it .. wanted to buy a camera .. wanted to buy a new phone ..

~ Sony E Vivaz ~ n it's pink ~

~ pink pink pink ~

I m officially 21 since last November .. getting drunk and got carried home by friends.. gosh.. that's so embarrassing .. so does BABY ~ he got carried back and he don't even know how and when he got home ..


but .. the day before my 21st bday ... i got the best surprise from baby .. he gave a me big pink teddy bear .. which when u pressed the love the teddy is hugging .. it sounds like tis .. " i love u.. i love u ~" it'so adorable .. cant wait to snapshot the teddy .. best .. baby make 'i love u' words with candle .. in my room .. =)

~ so lovely ~

Xmas .. It was fun and i got everyone a prezzie .. yes.. is been my tradition to give everyone a small gift for Xmas ~ .. with me getting to drive out .. but best .. Baby is here with me .. for Xmas .. IN PENANG ~ with carmen as well and i got a Xmas card from her too.. i got one of my favorite thing from baby .. yes i love snow globe .. but they are expensive sometimes .. hehehe.. but so far .. i only have 2 Xmas snow globe .. i wan more .. i want to have different design of it .. hehe ..

~ my Xmas prezzie from Baby ~ it plays 'Silent Night' when the key is tighten..

 ~ the popped up card is so damn nice ~


 Thou kinda sad when Por Lin n Grace couldn't make it .. but is ok .. on the  25th.. we are going to have our long time awaited gathering .. been waiting for that moment like ages .. we had our time enjoying some expensive lunch in Dragon-I .. we supposed to be having AA meals .. but in the end .. the treat is on Kevin .. so thanks to him ^^ later we went for a movie .. RED (Retired Extremely Dangerous)


food that we love so much ..

~ the so called 7 fairies tea.. why ? ~

~ because when the flowers are all bloom.. there are 7 of them .. ~

~ my sea coconut longan drink .. doesn't taste very nice ~

~ i think is called hot and spicy la mian .. ~

~ yum yummy .. claypot seafood and toufu .. ~

~ siew long pao .. ~

later on .. movie time ..

last year i guess ended up kinda fun can said .. but i kinda hated tis sem .. 2 hard to score subject .. communication law and also media ethics .. so many stuff to do for campaign as well .. the saddest thing i always don't want to remind myself .. Baby is graduating .. and i going for interns .. hope everything in our relationship will be just fine ..*praying damn hard*