19 more days ..

Everyday.. i m telling myself..

i m ok i m ok and i ll be ok..

i just wanna be strong just for another 19 days..

It's so hard for me.. my emotions and my heart is breaking inside me..

any minutes tears will just flow.. but i tell myself.. i m ok.. just to resist my tears and just to be ok in front of everyone..

Finals is in 2 weeks.. i m freak out.. i m so stress.. i have no confidence at all.. nor for tomorrow presentation.. for all fucking three years.. i never been this stress.. this nervous.. this freak out.. 

i called mummy today.. hearing her voice makes me wanna just cry my heart out.. but i know if i do.. they ll get worry.. so i just keep it to my heart.. it's so suffering..

i just wanted to show to them who i care and love that i m strong and i m ok.. dun need to worry for me.. i ll be ok..

all these stress.. is really killing me.. i dun wanna to be blamed on for screwing up tomorrow's fyp presentation.. shalini presented so well.. me.. i was just like never present before.. i freak out...  

this sem.. this finals exam.. really freaks me out.. i m so scare what if i forget everything that i studied for the finals on tat day.. i really freak out.. everyone keep saying i can and exam is nothing for me.. but who really knows what is in my mind? that i m so scare off...

i just wanted to be strong for another 19 days.. after that i can go home to my family and baby..  i just wanted to be strong.. be ok.. 

Sorry..

Haiz.. i disappoint baby again.. 

guess for him i break promise .. again..

i am sorry..

but sometime, i really wish baby ll understand..
i dun wanna miss the gatherings at the same time..

i know i break the promise.. again.. i m sorry baby..

dun angry or give up pls.. i m sorry.. T.T

I realize..

I knew.. that things arent easy for you.. but i never realized it was till this ..

I am sorry..

I know you have sacrifice too much for me.. for us.. 

I know.. if i wasnt being selfish tat day, you would have a better life.. a happy one..

I know, if i dint made that decision, you wont be dropping tears that day..

I know, if i have the courage to let you go, you wont be suffering that much like how you are now..

I am sorry.. 

But, no matter wat you have, who you are.. You are still the love of my life.

You are still the one i wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. 

I am sorry baby.. and.. i love you .. 

14 November 2011 ..

Our birthday have passed.. another year of we celebrate together.. and i hope.. we will always do..

It's not the first time.. again.. you left in the wee hour in the morning..

again, the feelings is unbearable.. 

For the times, i wanted to stand by the window and waved you goodbye and have a safe journey back.. yet i couldn't.. seeing you left breaks me inside..

i know you having the same feeling too.. as you request me not to send you down.. 

you felt i am annoying.. that i keep saying "please drive safe.." .. 

i said it as i really cant lose you.. i said it coz i really love you and wanted to be with you.. so no matter how annoyed you felt, i still ll say it..

Baby, i never wanna lose you.. i wouldn't know what i ll do then.. missing you every single second of my life has been having an impact to me.. i really wouldn't want to imagine if i ever lose you..

So please..