It really hurt..

I guess no matter how our arguments starts.. it always hurts.. badly..

how would you feel if you been calling a person over many times and yet to picked up ? Nervous ? Worry ? Anxious ?

Well, I am anxious and worry.. Are you sleeping ? You must be i guess.. You been very tired after the run today and outing with your friend. Is ok.. I will go home and wake you up and we go for dinner together.. 

You called back.. when I am the entrance to the house.. And your assumption to my tone.. hurts.. being blamed and chop guilty and caused of arguments. 

I guess you never know the feeling of a girl.. alone walking home in a crowded place with those people looking at you like gonna eat you up.. those eyes following you..

Being me.. saying not being understanding.. saying I always angry and make faces whenever you are out with your friends.. I admit. Once or twice.. when I really dont like it and need you.. Why I dont like it ? You always go to the places where I wanted to go since beginning but you never bring me.. You spend money with your friends and ended up saying spend too much.. When with me.. sometimes you always say dont spend too much.. 

Like today.. I was not angry at all that you were out with your friends.. I angry cause you forget.. i angry cause you ignore.. and I angry cause you misunderstood.. 

I know I should be blamed for working every Sundays and Saturdays for these 2 months.. I m sorry but it's not my choice. But you should know too.. I understand that you are not working on weekends.. that's y on weekends I never work too late and back to you on time.. 

Yet.. this all happens.. Misunderstanding makes me so tired.. Our relationship is going down isn't it ?

Forgive me for being possessive or obsessive if that's what you think.. Sorry for loving you too much.. Sorry for hoping that the first person I come back to is you but not an empty room.. Sorry for hoping that right after work the person I will run into the arms is yours.. Sorry for being the person you sees every time you got home and off work.. 

I guess.. it really hurts this time.. so painful that tears just cant flow..

Been away too long..

Sorry for leaving you alone here so long..

Been in SG for almost 2 months now.. till now.. I am not sure whether do i make the right decision.. but what I can expect now.. stay strong and live to it.. I have my mission to be accomplished.. or we.. I guess now I am wondering..

So many things have changed since we came here.. maybe I am the only one realizing it.. maybe I just being too sensitive..

Hope this wont be the reason that we cant hold each other's hand till death do us apart.. I really wish we do.. walking down the rest of our life together.. I just hope.. I being too sensitive..

Today wasn't a happy day at all.. I know you wanna go back but then, you said is ok.. if I don't wanna go back.. since the morning.. all I see from you is emo.. down.. not uttering words to me.. not talking to each other.. seems like being forced out...You promised me.. yet you act the other way round.. 

Staying here doesn't bring happiness to me.. I am not getting any stronger.. I am far apart from my beloved families and my best friends. You are the only one here right next to me for me to depend on.. you are the one here for me to rely on.. to cry on your shoulder..to be pampered by you like how you used to be.. 

but..

all now just nothing... crying now means I will cry alone in silent.. crying over missing my family.. sobbing silently.. I understand that you missed your family too.. Sorry but I am not as strong as you..

Heart broken too many times.. makes me almost give up..yet.. I still hold on and stay strong..

for us..

I really wish that we are back to where we are.. the coldness of love from you sometimes.. really creeps me out.. really makes me wanna let go of everything if that is the only way to get you back.. 

What am I gonna do without you ? Who am I without you ? 

I guess.. I am living in our past still.. wishing the most love and care out of you like last time..

Sorry.. 

It's time..

I wanna give up so badly..

I wanna just sleep and never wakes up..

Looking at the blade in my hand..

How i wish i can just do it..

But i cant..

But.. from now on, I am gonna hide myself inside.. just put a smile to everyone that cares..

and let alone to cry in the darkest night..

A very meaningful song ..

I found this song very meaningful.. 

You show to me this song..

_____________________________________________________________________________

I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me


You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me


And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave?
I'd be a fool 'cause I finally found someone who really cares


You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me "friend"


You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me


You needed me, you needed me

Tiredness..

These few days.. i been very very tired.. been having fever for a few days..

Ended my fever with a good news.. Finally I got a chance for a job interview..

I thought u will be happy for me like i was for you .. but then.. i wasnt.. all i thought off how you gonna start ur emo ego again..

U might say i thinking bullshit saying bullshit.. but this is what i see these 2 days.. and u r just keeping it.. i hate it.. i hate u being like this..

Seeing u like this.. i rather fail the interview and wait till you have you job first.. I hate to see all this emo ego goin around you.. around us..

I tried to understand, but after understand it.. i felt u are the one not being understanding.. i felt so tired.. i think you felt tired too..

put u in my shoe now.. try to feel how i feel.. i have been supportive and optismistic for you.. all the time.. but last 2 days.. what i see was so different.. 

now all i wish is.. you get a job before me.. i dun m ind being jobless now..

As the time gets nearer..

A week more to go.. and I am leaving here.. leaving my family and friends.. Friends.. a word that have been in my thought.. others may think that I have a lot of friends, but little do they know, I don’t even know the exact amount of friends I really have..

I have lost my closest friends.. my best friends since the day I been into Uni and since the day they gone into other Uni.. I been trying my best to deny the fact that there is a big gap now .. between me and them.. know to I realize it, I am no longer in the group.. no longer having my best friends with me..

Yes, as we grows older.. friends tend to leave us.. there will be much more other friends around our friends, and slowly, they will have another group of friends, which are nearer to them, in the same campus. And, all left out was the friend who didn’t went to the same campus..

They must have thought.. I have forgotten them too.. as I went on to my Uni life getting new friends.. But, the pathetic part about me, it’s pretty hard for me to mingle to get new real friends.. once I have it.. it’s hard for me to forget and let go.. Leaving my best friends and being forgotten, it shatters my heart.. gaining a new friends.. never makes me forgets my best friends.. I guess.. the chances for us to meet is always at the wrong time.. now I felt.. I m alone again.. I no longer having best friends whom us have been together since primary and since from secondary.. I have seems like no longer belongs to the group or so I thought..

Ya.. I understand, that every each of them have their own living and lifestyle.. but why can’t I ? This is friendship all about.. understanding each other and be there for each other even know are far apart.. they are the best of friends I ever have.. understand me when I don’t even understand myself.. Now, I guess I understand that no matter how wonderful memories we had last time, as time passes by, each of us will have a new group of friends together with the changes of environment..

Ya.. I met a lot of new friends too in my Uni years.. but no one is being my best friend or true friend.. I guess.. I am always been need in the friends in need for the past 3 years in my Uni years. When I finally found friends, doubts came to me.. are they my real friends or just friends who needs me when I am needed? Am I the friend that will be forgotten ?

I can’t deny that I am not a person who knows how to be another’s friend. All I know is being a friend is be there for them whenever they need you, listen to them and lend your shoulder for them. I have friends.. but as we graduated.. each of us gets a job and again, friendship are getting apart..

I don’t blame on my best friends or my uni friends.. I guess this is life.. one of the path I need to go through.. I don’t blame anyone.. just myself.. I guess I just don’t know the way to keep and maintain my friendships.. it’s all my mistakes.. I won’t blame anyone..

Counting down the days, tearing when all the memories I had with my best friends and friends come into my thought.. I am gonna  miss them all.. but will I be missed or will I totally being forgotten? Will I be like the writing on sands.. washed away as the sea water comes by..

After all, it just me..

It's been a while

I have lost count.. the times I have been crying myself to sleep at night since the day it happens..

Things are so messed up now.. Yes.. another month and i am gone.. leaving my family and head on the SG.. for my future .. for our future.. 

I have lost count too.. how many arguments we had and been through.. how many time we been fighting over the same issue.. how many time have it been ignored and avoided..

i totally lost count.. 

there are so many things i wished it will not happen.. sometimes, i really wish that you would understand.. since the day i nod my head and promised you.. that i ll go to SG together with you, i have already let go of all.. my dreams.. all the things i wanted..
and I have already really moved on .. building a new dreams with you..

yes, you might have sacrifice a lot for me.. haven't i too ? yet, in a relationship, it's not about who sacrifice the most.. 

i dunno what else to say nor to tell you,, I learnt that .. next time.. I ll just keep my mouth shut and just keep all my problems to myself.. this is what i learn from you..

i m used to shutting myself inside my own..