As the time gets nearer..

A week more to go.. and I am leaving here.. leaving my family and friends.. Friends.. a word that have been in my thought.. others may think that I have a lot of friends, but little do they know, I don’t even know the exact amount of friends I really have..

I have lost my closest friends.. my best friends since the day I been into Uni and since the day they gone into other Uni.. I been trying my best to deny the fact that there is a big gap now .. between me and them.. know to I realize it, I am no longer in the group.. no longer having my best friends with me..

Yes, as we grows older.. friends tend to leave us.. there will be much more other friends around our friends, and slowly, they will have another group of friends, which are nearer to them, in the same campus. And, all left out was the friend who didn’t went to the same campus..

They must have thought.. I have forgotten them too.. as I went on to my Uni life getting new friends.. But, the pathetic part about me, it’s pretty hard for me to mingle to get new real friends.. once I have it.. it’s hard for me to forget and let go.. Leaving my best friends and being forgotten, it shatters my heart.. gaining a new friends.. never makes me forgets my best friends.. I guess.. the chances for us to meet is always at the wrong time.. now I felt.. I m alone again.. I no longer having best friends whom us have been together since primary and since from secondary.. I have seems like no longer belongs to the group or so I thought..

Ya.. I understand, that every each of them have their own living and lifestyle.. but why can’t I ? This is friendship all about.. understanding each other and be there for each other even know are far apart.. they are the best of friends I ever have.. understand me when I don’t even understand myself.. Now, I guess I understand that no matter how wonderful memories we had last time, as time passes by, each of us will have a new group of friends together with the changes of environment..

Ya.. I met a lot of new friends too in my Uni years.. but no one is being my best friend or true friend.. I guess.. I am always been need in the friends in need for the past 3 years in my Uni years. When I finally found friends, doubts came to me.. are they my real friends or just friends who needs me when I am needed? Am I the friend that will be forgotten ?

I can’t deny that I am not a person who knows how to be another’s friend. All I know is being a friend is be there for them whenever they need you, listen to them and lend your shoulder for them. I have friends.. but as we graduated.. each of us gets a job and again, friendship are getting apart..

I don’t blame on my best friends or my uni friends.. I guess this is life.. one of the path I need to go through.. I don’t blame anyone.. just myself.. I guess I just don’t know the way to keep and maintain my friendships.. it’s all my mistakes.. I won’t blame anyone..

Counting down the days, tearing when all the memories I had with my best friends and friends come into my thought.. I am gonna  miss them all.. but will I be missed or will I totally being forgotten? Will I be like the writing on sands.. washed away as the sea water comes by..

After all, it just me..

It's been a while

I have lost count.. the times I have been crying myself to sleep at night since the day it happens..

Things are so messed up now.. Yes.. another month and i am gone.. leaving my family and head on the SG.. for my future .. for our future.. 

I have lost count too.. how many arguments we had and been through.. how many time we been fighting over the same issue.. how many time have it been ignored and avoided..

i totally lost count.. 

there are so many things i wished it will not happen.. sometimes, i really wish that you would understand.. since the day i nod my head and promised you.. that i ll go to SG together with you, i have already let go of all.. my dreams.. all the things i wanted..
and I have already really moved on .. building a new dreams with you..

yes, you might have sacrifice a lot for me.. haven't i too ? yet, in a relationship, it's not about who sacrifice the most.. 

i dunno what else to say nor to tell you,, I learnt that .. next time.. I ll just keep my mouth shut and just keep all my problems to myself.. this is what i learn from you..

i m used to shutting myself inside my own..

Another disappointment..

Sometimes, life is full disappointment when at the time you least expected it..

So many things happened in a day.. in just a day.. everything around me just bring me down..
give me loads of surprises.. surprises least to be expected and least to be what i wanted..

i guess all i ever dreamed of coming back to Penang, faster get the hell of Kampar, was solely just a mistake..

Everything i dreamed of, was so perfect.. but then, when i m back here, to  place i miss the most, i realized...

things are the other way round.. yes, dream is always a dream.. and it's just me.. the only one who haven't wake up from the dream.. or should i say, reluctant to wake up..

If i know, that coming back to Penang things will all change.. I would rather stay back in Kampar.. crying myself to sleep and suffer like hell.. if to compare to all the disappointed and all the feelings i having now.. it's thousand times worst..

Baby changed.. i felt the love changed once i m back to Penang.. it freaks me out.. i dunno what have i done wrong.. i have feelings inside me playing in my heart and thoughts playing in my mind.. it's so confusing.. i m scare that you will say the words again.. so many thoughts running in my mind.. what is going on between us.. what happened between us? Why are you treating me so cold one day and then the next day everything seems just fine? I hate all this feelings and thoughts I am having now..

Back home, I thought it would be a place.. a place that would give me love and peace that i have been missing .. or so I thought.. what's the point having life myself..everything is planned.. nothing is planned MY way.. all I want for and all i wished for .. is just Christmas and New Year together with the one I love.. but why, there are so many obstacles for me? Haven't I been through enough for the past 3 years? Or haven't I ? Am i still the little girl in your eyes? That things must be planned for me.. i m not a puppet.. or this is so i felt..

Last night, i made up my mind, that once i have enough money I will get myself out from that house.. a house that so called home.. I will get daddy and mummy out too..  I will just take the thought that I no longer have a brother.. Last night, I felt i totally lost my one and only brother.. He breaks my heart and he tarnished "my brother" 's image that i have been keeping in me.. All just because of his "devoted" wife and daughter in law..

I couldn't believe myself when he come home with that question last night. Even daddy was shock. It's just a small matter and it's not even a problem at all. Why she want to complain to brother. How ignorance and selfish she is! She never did respect daddy and mummy as the parents in law.. who she thinks she is.. talking away my brother from us.. 

Yesterday, i really felt disappointed and heart broken.. I felt i have lost a bro and the guy i love.. how i wish yesterday never happened.. and i m still in my perfect dreams of mine.. not to waking up to the horrible reality..

Useless..

I felt so useless.. for cant able to help baby share the burden.. 

I know bie is worried and stressed out coz of money prob yet i cant help.. everyday he ll show me the face of happy..

to him, as long as i happy he is happy but then, if i m happy but you are not.. what's the point..

i really felt so useless for cant help baby.. i dunno what to do.. i really dunno what to do..

I am sorry.. 

19 more days ..

Everyday.. i m telling myself..

i m ok i m ok and i ll be ok..

i just wanna be strong just for another 19 days..

It's so hard for me.. my emotions and my heart is breaking inside me..

any minutes tears will just flow.. but i tell myself.. i m ok.. just to resist my tears and just to be ok in front of everyone..

Finals is in 2 weeks.. i m freak out.. i m so stress.. i have no confidence at all.. nor for tomorrow presentation.. for all fucking three years.. i never been this stress.. this nervous.. this freak out.. 

i called mummy today.. hearing her voice makes me wanna just cry my heart out.. but i know if i do.. they ll get worry.. so i just keep it to my heart.. it's so suffering..

i just wanted to show to them who i care and love that i m strong and i m ok.. dun need to worry for me.. i ll be ok..

all these stress.. is really killing me.. i dun wanna to be blamed on for screwing up tomorrow's fyp presentation.. shalini presented so well.. me.. i was just like never present before.. i freak out...  

this sem.. this finals exam.. really freaks me out.. i m so scare what if i forget everything that i studied for the finals on tat day.. i really freak out.. everyone keep saying i can and exam is nothing for me.. but who really knows what is in my mind? that i m so scare off...

i just wanted to be strong for another 19 days.. after that i can go home to my family and baby..  i just wanted to be strong.. be ok.. 

Sorry..

Haiz.. i disappoint baby again.. 

guess for him i break promise .. again..

i am sorry..

but sometime, i really wish baby ll understand..
i dun wanna miss the gatherings at the same time..

i know i break the promise.. again.. i m sorry baby..

dun angry or give up pls.. i m sorry.. T.T

I realize..

I knew.. that things arent easy for you.. but i never realized it was till this ..

I am sorry..

I know you have sacrifice too much for me.. for us.. 

I know.. if i wasnt being selfish tat day, you would have a better life.. a happy one..

I know, if i dint made that decision, you wont be dropping tears that day..

I know, if i have the courage to let you go, you wont be suffering that much like how you are now..

I am sorry.. 

But, no matter wat you have, who you are.. You are still the love of my life.

You are still the one i wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. 

I am sorry baby.. and.. i love you ..